making progress

It has been 4 days since surgery.  I must say, I am feeling pretty good; all things considered.  I am still taking more pain meds than I wish I were, but that's okay!  I am still sleeping on my lovely remote control power lift recliner, it is sooo helpful!  Night before last, I needed Jim to rewrap me before bed, and I knew it was time to at least sneek a peak.  I was so nervous, and I started to cry before hand but Jim just stood there with me, and I looked down for the first time.  All I could think was *oh*  that's it, just oh. I couldn't see the scar from my angle- the tissue expander leaves a big enough bump that the scar is just under the bump.  I didn't care to look any more carefully, I just let Jim wrap me up and dress me for bed.  By last night though- I needed a shower terribly bad! I finally got a good look at everything.  It was strange and foreign, and I could not believe it was a part of ME.  I was really hopeful that since I was having a plastic surgeon close me up that it would be a nice clean line- nope!big and lumpy and yucky.  I really was prepared to lose it at that point- but I didn't.  More than anything, I guess I was just sort of numb.  As weird and gross and terrible as it all is, I am somehow okay with it.  I have no idea how in the world I am okay with it, but I am!  I am guessing that my mom and my sister do all the freaking out and crying for me, so that I don't have to- thanks guys! ;)
My drains are not nearly as much of a pain as I thought they might be, and they are starting to have much less output so I am really hoping that at my appt wed or thurs with my doctors that I might be able to get one or both of them out.  I have a tank top on today that I thought would be loose fitting, but with my drains I am very lumpy and bumpy!
I was also able to lift my arm high enough to look at my armpit.  We had been curious to see if there was an incision there, and just waht it looked like since all those lymph nodes were removed.  No incision!  I guess she just went straight in from my breast. However, there is a hole or a pucker where the tissue was removed.  It is so deep I swear you can see the other armpit from the one with the hole! LOL!  I don't think that will ever return to normal.  Also, because of her digging around in my armpit, the entire back half of my arm is numb from the shoulder to the elbow, and also a bit on my back.  The nurse told me that the arm would eventually return to normal but my underarm/back will always be numb like that.
I can't remember if I posted before that my port a cath had been placed.   She did it during my surgery and I am so glad- that means one less surgery to do this year!  It is on my left side just under my collar bone.  There is a big nasty incision for it and it is pretty bruised today but really that doesn't hurt at all.  I can now have injections and have blood drawn from my port! yipee!! That is especially good because since I have had lymph node removal, I will never again be allowed to have injections, blood draws, or blood pressure taken from my right arm.
I guess the next step is having my drains removed, then I will get a bone scan to make sure there is no bone cancer, then chemo.  I am ready!

Today everyone was a bit nervous because Jim returned to work today.  He left the lids off my pills since I don't have the strength in my arm to open them,  and then Cameron and Sloane have been here with me today (we had a 4 hour car ride yesterday to take Ethan to camp!) I had my neighbor Sara come help me get dressed this morning and get a rx refill, but other than that Cameron and Sloane have been the best little helpers.  No fighting, whining, or anything from either of them.  They have been patient with me and have been eager to do any jobs I give them. 
I am so lucky to have the best friends, husband, kids, and extended family ever!