kids

For now my kids are handling things pretty well I think.
Ethan is 12 and is very helpful, and will do absolutely anything that I ask him to do.  However- he asks no questions and seeks no answers on almost anything related to cancer.  He listens if I need to tell him something about it but other than that, he would rather just go play a video game and forget about mom being sick.

Cameron- He is 7, and he has kind of been my consolation prize for getting cancer.  Since the day he was born, this boy has been a thorn in my side.  I love him and always have but dang- we butt heads!  He is also extremely unaffectionate with me- partially just to be mean.  Since diagnosis, he has been kind to me and has hugged me without being asked, and even kissed me once (HUGE deal!) He has also been a great big help with his little sister, and while Ethan was at camp he really took charge, putting food on the table and helping with laundry.  Seriously- it has been wonderful to get to see this side of him because it isn't normal in any way for him to act so completely wonderful all the time- THANKS Cam!!!  We had a family talk yesterday about germs and hand washing to the extreme when I start chemo.  Cameron came to me this afternoon to ask if I started that medicine yet. When I told him no, why?  He said that he made a book and put a paperclip on it that he found on the floor in his room.  I am thinking awww he is making me a book.  No- it's for himself, but he was still worried that the dirty paperclip might make me sick, so he wanted to make sure it was safe to use! haha!

Sloane- She is 4 and totally cracks me up.  She loves to see my booboo from my port and she checks it multiple times a day to make sure it's doing okay.  She also really likes to take care of me- but there isn't a whole lot a 4 year old can do.  Her solution is to put lotion on my feet and legs.  She does this about 12 times a day!  It is actually tiring to have to sit still while she puts yet even more lotion on, but she loves it so much that I let her do this for me.  I have very, very soft legs!  Sloane actually walked in on me while taking a bath a few days ago.  I had a magazine I was reading so I covered with it the best I could.  She askes some questions and knew something was up.  I really hemmed and hawed on how to deal with this situation.  We are a very open household and nothing is shameful or 'not talked about' really, and I knew she would end up seeing me eventually, yet I didn't want to scar her for life! 
Well, I ended up telling her that yes, I had another booboo that was more private.  She wanted to know where exactly this was.  So I told her (while still covering up with my magazine) that my boob had to be cut to get the cancer out, and that it is a very big boo boo and looked kind of ugly and maybe a little scary but that it did not hurt me at all.  I left it at that to see if that would scare her off but no- she is an investigator so she wanted to see.  I moved my magazine.  All she could do at first was take a HUGE gasp of air.  HUGE. Then she said- they cut your nga nga off???? (she called them nga ngas when we were breastfeeding and she won't drop the word- lol) WHY would they cut your nga nga off mommy?? I explained that they had to get the cancer out, but that I had a really good doctor that was making me a new one so that it looks like it did before.  She thought about it for a minute and decided that was okay.  Then she said- your boo boo is not scary mommy.   But it DOES look really weird! :)  Love my girl.  Then she didn't mention it the whole next day- I thought she had processed it really well and moved on.  Well, she woke up this morning to tell me about her dream- it was about doctors cutting nga ngas off :(  CRAP!  But, upon further investigation she said it wasn't a bad or scary dream, but that is just what happened.  I don't know how the hell that wouldn't have been a scary dream but- okay.  My kids will certainly be in therapy for years after this....