Yesterday was yet another crazy day. The kids are in school now, and I have 3 kids, all in different schools. None take the bus in the mornings-so I carpool with neighbors, which is nice on weeks off- crazy on weeks I drive. I took the first week for middle and elementary school because it would be my 'good' chemo week. Then of course, I have Sloane in preschool and I drive her myself every day. So, my mornings this week have been insane-make 3 lunches, fill up the car with elementary school kids and take them across the street to school, come back and pick up middle school kids, come back have a cup of coffee and then take Sloane to school. Ahhhhh! Except yesterday was extra crazy. I did all the morning stuff- then went straight from Sloane's school to my oncology appt. Then I was supposed to hurry back from that and go straight to my dentist appt. Well- that IS what I did, but let me just say it wasn't pretty.
Got to oncology appt and had to get labs- which meant I had to go up to chemo room because no way am I letting them poke my arm when I have a lovely handy dandy port :) Got that done, then downstairs to wait for my appt. Today I didn't see Dr. Young, I saw her NP for the first time. While I was waiting the research nurse came in and made me fill out a 4 page survey about my bowel movements and pain levels. Yep- 4 pages of that. Apparently I will fill that out at every appointment. They like to know how much I poop and the exact consistency. At least they don't want pictures, I guess. I do love the research nurse though- she is a pretty cool lady and I like seeing her when I go in. When the NP finally came in she gave me the results of my bone scan- no cancer! yeah! I do have arthritis in my right shoulder, and both of my big toes, as well as degenerative problems in my lower back. She did an exam and said everything looked really good but that she could feel how tight the muscle is in my armpit. I told her 'Yea it's tight- it's 2 inches shorter than it's supposed to be- I am sure of it!' She told me to do my stretches. I DO do my stretches. All.day.long. It doesn't seem to loosen up that tricep muscle no matter how much I work at it.
She also said she would send in a referral for the Lymphedema specialist- yeah! I definately want to stay on top of that. Then she asked if I had my chemo class. They don't mean the one at the hospital- this is just a class they give to tell you you are taking poison and it may kill you. Then you sign forms. No I haven't taken that class yet- why the hell does it have to be a class? Just tell me I may die and I will sign the forms. I don't really see the issue there... whatever- I must have the class.
I also found out that they already have ice in the chemo room for my hand and feet- I use it during one of the chemo drugs because it causes nerve damage and also makes your nails die- the ice helps with that! Many chemo rooms do not stock ice so you need to bring your own frozen peas- glad I don't have to do that! Also- they have blankets! yeah! One less thing to pack in my bag :)
I finally made it out of there at the exact time I was supposed to be AT my dentist for my emergency dentist appointment that was 30 minutes away. Great! I called them and said I was at my oncology appointment and that they made me late (Yes I made sure to say oncology so they would feel sorry for me and keep my appointment!) I told them I would be there in 20 minutes. I then hopped in my car and flew like a bat out of hell. I made it there in 20 minutes! Awesome! But you know- things never really work out as planned. They had trouble with one of the forms they made for my temporary crown. After all the dental work was done they tried to put the crown on and couldn't fit it right. It took an entire hour of retrying before they finally got it right. Ugh!
At this point- I am supposed to be home because I just hired a housekeeper and she is now at my house waiting for me while I am STILL at the dentist! I called my neighbor Sara, said HI! And as soon as I said that, the dental assistant stuck a new impression form thing in my mouth! LMAO! So the rest of the conversation went like- caaa ooo eee u aaee i ooo aaa ouuuuuu? (Can you let the lady into my house?) Of course she was laughing pretty hard- and was like- Are you at the dentist??? uuuhuuuu. I have no idea how but she understood me and let the housekeeper in.
I finally finished up with the dentist and made it home completely exhausted. It was very lovely to see that the housekeeper was already hard at work doing something I just don't have the energy to do. It took her 5 hours, but my house is so beautiful! Ahhhh! That was definately a nice thing to treat myself to!
I think on friday Jim and I are going shopping for a tablet- Jim REALLY wants to hurry and get it. For me. Uh huh. I am thinking not for me, so much as for him... Then my mom comes on Saturday- everyone is so excited! And I am looking forward to a nice and maybe somewhat relaxing weekend.
The story of how I beat this monster.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
The day the dr thought I lost my mind
Yesterday I went back and had my bone scan- I got to watch it and as I was watching it, everything that I saw seemed pretty normal, I am watching it move down my body past my rib cage, then on to my hips- there, I noticed it. A roundish area that was all lit up with the tracer they had injected me with earlier. Now mind you, this is a bone scan. At the moment, there is no one with me in the room and I am staring at this screen looking at this roundish/teardrop shape that is all lit up and I am racking my brain trying to think of what round bone I have because for the life of me I can't remember one in that aread. I am truly racking my brain here....And then I decide I certainly don't have a round bone down there- it must be my cervix- I have had a few questionable pap smears lately, but the last few have been clear, so that's it- my cervix finally gave in and got infested with cancer. damn. Then I remember that after the tracer they told me to drink lots and lots of liquids, then made sure I went to the restroom to pee before the test. HAHAHAHAHA- it was my bladder! Oh my gosh- it was so funny, all the things that had gone through my mind- a round bone. I have really lost it! It was just then that the woman walked in to the room and I had to tell her- she was like- oops, sorry I forgot to tell you about that! LOL! Phew! So, if Dr. Tara is right, I have no bone cancer. Oh wait- actually if I had cancer in my bone- say my hip bone- I would not have bone cancer. My hip bone would have breast cancer. Yes I am completely serious! Isn't that just weird!
Anyway- on to the next appointment- I went to see the plastic surgeon. He walks in and takes the stitches out of my ear. Then I tell him my story. I am not really hyperventilating but it is pretty clear that I am freaking out about getting my stupid ear pierced. I was like- I can't get it done the day of chemo, it will be too much of an infection risk- and I did NOT get my ear fixed to wait until after chemo for this to get done. He just looked at me and said- is this coming from your doctor, or you??? uhhh well ummmm. They told me I can't go to the dentist at all during treatment. If I can't go to the dentist, then I am pretty sure they won't let me get my ears done because of risk of infection. He kind of laughed and said- no! Your mouth if filled with germs and is nothing like getting an ear done. I do this all the time and you will be fine!
I tell him my chemo start date and he says to come back in the next week, and we will pierce then. WHAT? That week is the week my white cell count will be low. 'Is this safe? are you sure? ' At this point- he knows I have just lost it. 'yes,' he said 'everything will be fine!' Then he told me he would do my next fill that day too. Yes, I freaked out about that too. Are you SURE that is safe? I mean- really, my cell counts will be really low that week!!! Now I think that Dr. Ethridge is really, REALLY glad he will be on vacation next week to get away from crazy Tara! Long story short- I am getting my ear done and my next boob fill the week after my first treatment.
Since I was out there on that end of town, I decided to go ahead and stop at the wig shop in the hospital. I needed to look at color swatches and talk about the wig that I found online and love- Zara. Guess what? They actually had Zara there! Yeah! I ended up trying on 4 wigs total. Zara and Alia ended up being my favorites. I like the ones I tried at my wig party, and will still buy at least one of them, but I REALLY want something without bangs. Zara was just too long though. I really like the idea of a long hair wig but honestly, it feels gross and takes over my whole body and I just don't know what to do with ALL THAT HAIR!
Anyway- on to the next appointment- I went to see the plastic surgeon. He walks in and takes the stitches out of my ear. Then I tell him my story. I am not really hyperventilating but it is pretty clear that I am freaking out about getting my stupid ear pierced. I was like- I can't get it done the day of chemo, it will be too much of an infection risk- and I did NOT get my ear fixed to wait until after chemo for this to get done. He just looked at me and said- is this coming from your doctor, or you??? uhhh well ummmm. They told me I can't go to the dentist at all during treatment. If I can't go to the dentist, then I am pretty sure they won't let me get my ears done because of risk of infection. He kind of laughed and said- no! Your mouth if filled with germs and is nothing like getting an ear done. I do this all the time and you will be fine!
I tell him my chemo start date and he says to come back in the next week, and we will pierce then. WHAT? That week is the week my white cell count will be low. 'Is this safe? are you sure? ' At this point- he knows I have just lost it. 'yes,' he said 'everything will be fine!' Then he told me he would do my next fill that day too. Yes, I freaked out about that too. Are you SURE that is safe? I mean- really, my cell counts will be really low that week!!! Now I think that Dr. Ethridge is really, REALLY glad he will be on vacation next week to get away from crazy Tara! Long story short- I am getting my ear done and my next boob fill the week after my first treatment.
Since I was out there on that end of town, I decided to go ahead and stop at the wig shop in the hospital. I needed to look at color swatches and talk about the wig that I found online and love- Zara. Guess what? They actually had Zara there! Yeah! I ended up trying on 4 wigs total. Zara and Alia ended up being my favorites. I like the ones I tried at my wig party, and will still buy at least one of them, but I REALLY want something without bangs. Zara was just too long though. I really like the idea of a long hair wig but honestly, it feels gross and takes over my whole body and I just don't know what to do with ALL THAT HAIR!
Alia was a shorter bob- the one I tried on was blonde (which I clearly can not pull off!) but it was almost the same as what my hair is now as far as style and length go. And it comes in a red that is pretty close to my red! I think I found a winner!
And yea- it looks pretty messy here but the first time I tried it on, she brushed it out for me and it looked much better!
They have a stylist on staff in the wig shop so they can trim the lace on my forhead if needed and trim the wig a bit to frame my face if I want. I don't know if I get a wig stand or not- I think I have to buy that seperate. What I really want is one of thos mannequine heads! She would be an awesome addition to my bedroom decor :)
Friday, August 24, 2012
ears: My first big rebellion since getting cancer.
Today is my bone scan. Sounds easy but turns out it is more of a pain than I thought. I had to go all the way downtown this morning to get an injection. Then I am free to do whatever I want, but I need to return in 3 hours. Hey- I had nothing better to do.....
Is this not halarious!!!! Cranial Prosthesis- take as directed! hahahaha! It has to be written like that because if it the RX says wig, the insurance wont pay for it.
I guess it will end up working out- while I was there, I talked to be lovely nurse 'Fred' and she gave me some yummy barium drinks for my CT scan- which is not yet scheduled, and more importantly- she gave me my rx for a wig
Is this not halarious!!!! Cranial Prosthesis- take as directed! hahahaha! It has to be written like that because if it the RX says wig, the insurance wont pay for it.
So, now I am sitting around drinking fluids and waiting for 1:00...It is now occuring to me that I may have messed up with my ear repair. I am scheduled to have it repierced the same day I start chemo. This will be a big no no, because of the risk of infection. I called today to see what I should do about this. I have absolutely decided that I MUST have my ears pierced NOW. The nurse at the plastic surgeons office said it would probably be better if we just waited until after chemo. I am thinking: bitch- I did not pay $350 to have my ears pierced AFTER my hair starts growing back! NO! And yes, I get that I am pretty close to time right now, but I am getting this shit done. I know this is probably naughty and my onc would probably say no. I say yes. sorry docs- I am taking over on this one. Hopefully I don't pay for it later....I will have 2 weeks almost until chemo, and I will be vigilant at keeping it cleaned- but damn it- I am gonna have some bling in my ears, seeing as how I wont have any damn hair! Is this a bad time to show my rebel self? eek.
So- after threatening to go to Clairs (really- I wouldn't go there, I have my own piercing gun and sterile equip but I knew that would freak them out more) they told me to come in today after my bone scan and I imagine the plastic surgeon will pierce my ear. We will see.... Sadly, I won't be able to flash my boobs to get what I want anymore- so words will have to be sufficient. ;)
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Finally! Bras are not driving to the point of insanity!
Yesterday I finally started feeling better- I think the swelling must be going down some under my arm. I didn't have to change my bra 6 times to find one that I could stand being in. Really, if I could just lounge around the house all day I would just go without- but it is so obvious that I have one up high and one down low- it annoys me every time I look in the mirror. Even in the bras that I can stand to wear- I am not even by any stretch. Stupidly, I bought a couple of new shirts the other day- one had vertical stripes. Yea- that was a bad idea! I will wear it next year, I suppose.
Today I had some bloodwork (again- SO glad I have a port now! The only downside to it that I having it that I can see is that they have to flush it with heparin every time they use it. I can taste the heparin as soon as it hits my blood- ick!) Now, I get to go have my teeth cleaned, and at my appointment yesterday he decided I either needed a filling and crown or a root canal and crown. Of course I do- I never need something 'small' or 'cheap'. I did find out that MY dentist has stage 4 lymphoma. The dentist who I had yesterday is her husband. He said that it was everywhere :( Poor Dr. Holly. It honestly makes me feel almost lucky that I have stage 2 breast cancer. I was hoping that maybe she went to the same cancer center as I do, so that maybe we would see each other at chemo or something but she goes to a different place than I do.
I am in a bit of a panic right now because I have not ordered wigs. I found one that I love but heard that it may not be what I am looking for. I NEED to go to the wig shop and see some color swatches and try some other ones one to make sure, before I order. Thing is- I don't have the flipping time to go out there and play with wigs. Maybe tomorrow after my bone scan- if that doesn't take too long. Yes, many people have told me- just go bald! Well, I will tell you this: I would LOVE to be that person that is comfortable going around with a big bald head. I just don't know that I will actually be that person- so just in case I am not- I need to hurry the hell up and get my wig ready, ya know!?
Had to edit this post to say that I just got back from my cleaning and my dentist happened to be there for a minute- I caught a glimpse of her and she looked amazing- not sickly at all and she was totally rocking the bald head look- she looked awesome! That is exactly what I needed today :)
Today I had some bloodwork (again- SO glad I have a port now! The only downside to it that I having it that I can see is that they have to flush it with heparin every time they use it. I can taste the heparin as soon as it hits my blood- ick!) Now, I get to go have my teeth cleaned, and at my appointment yesterday he decided I either needed a filling and crown or a root canal and crown. Of course I do- I never need something 'small' or 'cheap'. I did find out that MY dentist has stage 4 lymphoma. The dentist who I had yesterday is her husband. He said that it was everywhere :( Poor Dr. Holly. It honestly makes me feel almost lucky that I have stage 2 breast cancer. I was hoping that maybe she went to the same cancer center as I do, so that maybe we would see each other at chemo or something but she goes to a different place than I do.
I am in a bit of a panic right now because I have not ordered wigs. I found one that I love but heard that it may not be what I am looking for. I NEED to go to the wig shop and see some color swatches and try some other ones one to make sure, before I order. Thing is- I don't have the flipping time to go out there and play with wigs. Maybe tomorrow after my bone scan- if that doesn't take too long. Yes, many people have told me- just go bald! Well, I will tell you this: I would LOVE to be that person that is comfortable going around with a big bald head. I just don't know that I will actually be that person- so just in case I am not- I need to hurry the hell up and get my wig ready, ya know!?
Had to edit this post to say that I just got back from my cleaning and my dentist happened to be there for a minute- I caught a glimpse of her and she looked amazing- not sickly at all and she was totally rocking the bald head look- she looked awesome! That is exactly what I needed today :)
Monday, August 20, 2012
when it rains it pours
Well, I called to get my dentist appointment. Seems my dentist is out on medical leave. Luckily, my dentist works with her dad and her husband- all dentists, so I was able to get in with her husband this Thursday. My first thought was that she must be having a baby or something- she is about my age- has twin daughters and a younger son- not sure about the ages but they are all under 10. Nope- not pregnant. She has Lymphoma cancer :( Wow! Not expecting that!!! She is so cute, young, and cheery. Why does this crap have to happen to people like us???? Ok- really, why does it have to happen to anyone at all. I just have never really 'known' anyone with cancer before except 1 childhood friend that passed away young. Now all the sudden I am seeing way more than my fair share of it. BOO! I am now completely bummed out. I will have to find out from her husband where she is getting treated- maybe we can get our sick selves together for an afternoon and commiserate.
Edited to add: You have really got to be kidding me! I called my podiatrist- phone disconnected. Website deleted. NOTHING. I guess the aliens came and picked him up or something. This was already the 2nd podiatrist that I have used in town. 1st one was pretty shady. Maybe 3rd one will be a charm....if there even IS a 3rd one. People are not making this stuff easy on me, that's for sure.
Edited to add: You have really got to be kidding me! I called my podiatrist- phone disconnected. Website deleted. NOTHING. I guess the aliens came and picked him up or something. This was already the 2nd podiatrist that I have used in town. 1st one was pretty shady. Maybe 3rd one will be a charm....if there even IS a 3rd one. People are not making this stuff easy on me, that's for sure.
today is my 'hurry and get all my non cancer related appointments made' day
I have skipped out on getting my teeth cleaned in almost a year- oops! I had seen my oral surgeon the beginning of summer and he reminded me to make that appointment- but then I felt the lump and my whole life seemingly went down the drain. Well, I really need to get it done before chemo because my mouth needs to be in good shape. Here is the sucky thing- I have either a cracked tooth or a cavity that is really bothering me- just started last week. I don't have time for this crap! Now I need to call the dentist and get an appt ASAP!
Then there are my feet. I have had some minor problems with a toe that seems to get ingrown even though it doesn't look like it. It never bothers me too bad, so I try to ignore it. Sometimes it gets infected but then it gets better. Yea, I should probably have had that looked at awhile ago, but the last ingrown tonail that I had 'fixed' the guy totally deformed my nail and it is terrible so I have really wanted to keep my other foot 'good' Well, now of course my foot has been bothering me a bit and seems like it might have a tiny infection going on. Obviously I can't have that going on while doing chemo and knocking out my immune system- So I need to find time to have that looked at as well. I just really REALLY hope they don't have to do any type of surgery on it.
Also- I need to call and have my surgeon see if she can get me into the lymphedema specialist. I may not have it, many of the things I have going on very well could be post surgery swelling crap- but I would still really like to get in with them and see what they think, and maybe be more prepared to prevent it? I don't know- I just feel like I may as well see them! Not like I am doing anything else these days...
Later this week I have some bloodwork and my bone scan. Initially I was not worried but now the more I have had time to worry since surgery, I have been thinking about how it DID spread to my lymph nodes, and it DID get into my blood. Shit! What if it did make it somewhere else???? Yes, yes, I know- stop worrying, that is what chemo is for, bla bla bla.... It doesn't help- I still think about it.
Then there are my feet. I have had some minor problems with a toe that seems to get ingrown even though it doesn't look like it. It never bothers me too bad, so I try to ignore it. Sometimes it gets infected but then it gets better. Yea, I should probably have had that looked at awhile ago, but the last ingrown tonail that I had 'fixed' the guy totally deformed my nail and it is terrible so I have really wanted to keep my other foot 'good' Well, now of course my foot has been bothering me a bit and seems like it might have a tiny infection going on. Obviously I can't have that going on while doing chemo and knocking out my immune system- So I need to find time to have that looked at as well. I just really REALLY hope they don't have to do any type of surgery on it.
Also- I need to call and have my surgeon see if she can get me into the lymphedema specialist. I may not have it, many of the things I have going on very well could be post surgery swelling crap- but I would still really like to get in with them and see what they think, and maybe be more prepared to prevent it? I don't know- I just feel like I may as well see them! Not like I am doing anything else these days...
Later this week I have some bloodwork and my bone scan. Initially I was not worried but now the more I have had time to worry since surgery, I have been thinking about how it DID spread to my lymph nodes, and it DID get into my blood. Shit! What if it did make it somewhere else???? Yes, yes, I know- stop worrying, that is what chemo is for, bla bla bla.... It doesn't help- I still think about it.
The case of the hairy armpit
I shaved the day before surgery, and have not been able to shave my right armpit since. Really, I am NEVER supposed to shave it with a razor blade because I am at high risk for lymphedema but- I figured, as long as I am careful- it is something that needs to be done. Well, I have tried a few times- but my upper arm and my armpit are numb- my armpit is completely numb! I have put the razor to it a few times but then I chicken out because I can't feel anything and I am terrified of cutting into myself and not realizing it in time or something... So, I tried to let it go. Then yesterday I really wanted to wear a tanktop but I felt like I was growing sod under there because it was getting so long! No tank tops for me. The thought crossed my mind to use some Nair- but it seemed so wasteful to buy a bottle of nair a month before all my hair is about to fall out anyhow! Yesterday I just couldn't take it anymore. I bought a bottle of Nair Bikini, sensitive formula. Jim told me- you know- that stuff might burn. Really? I can't feel ANYTHING!!!! so big deal! Finally last night I used it, no burning or rash or anything- just hair free- ahhhhhhh!
Here is an odd tidbit- I am not supposed to use deoderant for now either, which I also don't understand- I have no open wound and I am not doing radiation treatments at this time (I know you cant use deoderant while doing radiation) BUT, my right armpit doesn't stink or get sweaty like usual so I haven't even needed to use deoderant. Isn't that weird??? I have no idea if it is because I am being extra lazy these days or if it is because of surgery. Not complaining though! Maybe that is why I am swelling in my armpit area so much- the sweat is staing in and swelling me instead of coming out and stinking me up.
Here is an odd tidbit- I am not supposed to use deoderant for now either, which I also don't understand- I have no open wound and I am not doing radiation treatments at this time (I know you cant use deoderant while doing radiation) BUT, my right armpit doesn't stink or get sweaty like usual so I haven't even needed to use deoderant. Isn't that weird??? I have no idea if it is because I am being extra lazy these days or if it is because of surgery. Not complaining though! Maybe that is why I am swelling in my armpit area so much- the sweat is staing in and swelling me instead of coming out and stinking me up.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
more things that have made me smile along the way...
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| SUPER flashlight! Such a tiny gift but it came on a rough day and made it somehow brighter! |
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| I DO love some pampering! |
Saturday, August 18, 2012
cancer is like pregnancy
My brain, or maybe I should say my stomach has decided to treat cancer the same as pregnancy. I bought some candy bars that were only things you can buy in the northwest while on vacation. Jim gave me a look- and I told him 'hey- I am sick' and gave him pouty eyes. I haven't eaten them- I have them hidden away in my stash drawer for when I really need it. But sadly, it doesn't end there. I have eaten far too many 'bad' foods and many desserts. I was so close to my goal weight before being diagnosed. Originally I was like- okay cool, chemo will make me lose weight. Yea, that doesn't really happen- instead I am expected to gain around 10-25 pounds. ugh! So, I cancelled my Weight Watchers membership (partially to save money because cancer is very expensive!!) and I eat. I eat too much, and whenever I want something 'bad' I eat it- because I am 'sick' It is exactly the same way I would have eaten it because 'the baby wanted it' demanding some strange item that I absolutely must have because it will make me happy.
I am also torn between trying to eat less meat (especially red), less grilled stuff, less processed crap because it will be good for me, and then I turn around and say what the hell- I already HAVE cancer- may was well woop it up good- the chemo will kill all the bad stuff- and I will eat better when I am done with treatment. Yes, well- how often is it easy to start eating well again after you have a baby? Then you have to splure on naughty foods to keep calories up because you are breastfeeding, then just because you don't have time to eat right because you are taking care of a baby....
Then there are enablers- This will mainly be my neighbors. Hehehe Neighbor Enablers! The first full week after surgery we were SO well fed. We were stuffed still with delicious foods that everyone took turns bringing over. Even after we were stuffed and had it for leftovers, we still had enough to put plenty in the freezer to save for later! And let me just say that none of these foods were really considered low fat or super healthy- they were just damn good! Lets just say Jim and I have not lost any weight lately.... Instead of blaming my lack of willpower I will just blame the neighbor enablers ;)
I am also torn between trying to eat less meat (especially red), less grilled stuff, less processed crap because it will be good for me, and then I turn around and say what the hell- I already HAVE cancer- may was well woop it up good- the chemo will kill all the bad stuff- and I will eat better when I am done with treatment. Yes, well- how often is it easy to start eating well again after you have a baby? Then you have to splure on naughty foods to keep calories up because you are breastfeeding, then just because you don't have time to eat right because you are taking care of a baby....
Then there are enablers- This will mainly be my neighbors. Hehehe Neighbor Enablers! The first full week after surgery we were SO well fed. We were stuffed still with delicious foods that everyone took turns bringing over. Even after we were stuffed and had it for leftovers, we still had enough to put plenty in the freezer to save for later! And let me just say that none of these foods were really considered low fat or super healthy- they were just damn good! Lets just say Jim and I have not lost any weight lately.... Instead of blaming my lack of willpower I will just blame the neighbor enablers ;)
Whaaaaaa!
This morning started out well, took the boys to karate, and wanted to cry halfway through. Hopefully that norco kicks in soon. I am sick of feeling crappy, and sick of all these damn pills too :(
Friday, August 17, 2012
what an insane and very productive day!
Part 1:
The day started normal, and only one appointment scheduled for the day with my plastic surgeon- and not for boob related stuff, rather- to repair my stretched out ear piercing so that I can get my ear repierced and wear earrings since I will be bald! Well, I was in enough pain under my arm and really- a LOT of swelling, so I was going to mention that as well. I got there and told the nurse what was up, undressed, put my robe on (nice robes- I want one!) and he came in. I asked him about my underarm and he looked at it and asked what my problem was with it- I just kind of made a noise and face but he just looked at me and said what does *dr doing same noise and face* mean exactly? oh man, he IS funny! I said- it means bad things are going on and I am pretty sure it is NOT normal!!! He poked around and examined and said that the surgeon had done alot of digging in that same area getting more lymph node samples and it was all normal swelling that nothing but time would help. Poo! I am glad it is nothing serious but I want it to at least be something I can fix pronto :(
Then- he decided it was time for a fill (although he told me last week that I needed to wait 2 weeks- which makes my fill next friday) I wasn't really in the mood for more pain today BUT the thought of one less appointment next week was quite tantalizing! So, he then used this magnet to find the 'button' where he has to stick his needle in to fill the expander. His magnet contraption reminded me of one of those forked sticks that people use to 'magically' find water. It pointed the way and then ding! He took out his needle (very tiny) and then the syringe (HUGE) and started filling it from a bag of saline. 50cc- that is a hell of a lot of saline! And I told him so! His reply- no, not really. Whatever dude, it isn't going in your body now, is it? So he began to fill and really a little over halfway through I started to feel 'something' but not pain really. The crazy thing is I was looking down, watching him drain the syringe, and my boob is growing right before my eyes. I kid you not- that is some freaky shit! And in my personal opinion, if you are putting so much fluid in someone that you can see them grow....it is too much! LOL!
I then told him thanks a lot- I spent a whole day and a tantrum trying to get my foob stuffed right to put in my mastectomy bra, FINALLY got it about right and now he went and screwed it all up and I had to destuff and refluff, and reposition....ahhhhh!
Finally it was time for my ear. He numbed it, and went to work. It wasn't bad or painful at all- but then he had to do the back side of my ear, so he lifted my lobe up and pressed it against my ear drum. I could hear all the nasty scraping and scratching he was doing. It really made me feel kind of queasy to hear that noise for so long. Then he stitched it up.
As Dr. Ethridge was working on my today he was talking to the nurse about a drug rep that he knows, and he was telling the nurse that the people at the hospital give him a hard time because he is young and really cute. Now, I think I have mentioned here before- but this guy is NOT ugly. So, I told him that it was funny he was telling me that story because the friend that I had brought with my to my first pre-op appt had seen him and as we were walking out she told me 'yea Tara, I would let him touch my boobs too!' Really- the dr is cute and a plastic surgeon so I figured he got that kind of thing all the time....He got all embarrassed and blushed! Haha! It was so cute! Then the whole time he was doing my ears he was making jokes- saying my ear would be pointy at first but that it would even out as it healed and to please not let my friends see my ear while it is pointy because he wants to be able to touch their ears AND their boobs if need be! Oh man, we were rolling in fits of laughter in there.
Part 2:
I was already on 'that part' of town, so I decided to drive over to my oncologists office. I had called earlier to see if I could find out info on my next tests and also get a tentative start date for chemo. I didn't hear back so I decided I would just go in real quick and find out. I can never be there 'real quick' and I know that now. Apparently, when my echo got rescheduled and done on wednesday (much earlier than originally scheduled) we started a chain of events that were not good at all. Because I am in a research study there are TONS of rules and regulations. My echo has to be done within a certain number of days of me being randomized, and then I need to start chemo within a certain number of days after being randomized...yea- so that just made a big mess. So they were scheduling and unscheduling and I had about 6 people in there brainstorming on what the heck to do because now we are on this timeline that is even sooner than they had planned on and my tissue sample from the hospital still hasn't been able to be aquired yet so that it can be sent to Italy to assure my place in the drug trial. OOOOPS! While I am there and they are figuring these things out they decide I need an EKG too so they wisk me off to get an EKG. After that, they give me a schedule with a bone scan, a checkup, and also a chemo start date which is September 5. If the sample doesn't arrive in time they will have to bump my date and redo my echo but hopefully THAT won't happen!
After all that, I talked to Pam; the nurse navigator. I asked her some questions about the chemo room- mostly wondering if there was more to it up there rather than just staring at the person across from you. She said- WHAT, you haven't had a proper tour? Lets go! (see, I said I can never do anything real quick there!) So, upstairs we went. There weren't any people up there that looked like they were dying, and there was a couple in there laughing. Pam went over to say hi to them. I could tell she was a breast cancer patient because she had a BC shirt on. We chatted for a bit and she told me it was her first treatment- I told her 'yea, I know! You still have hair!' LOL! Many chemo drugs don't make you lose your hair, but all the ones given to BC patients do.
After that, we were off to research to find a nurse that would tell me just how long I would spend my chemo days there. When I asked Dr. Young on Monday- she said to plan on being here all day long. She never gave more info than that. So, the research lady printed off a schedule for me and holy shit! All.Day.Long. is right. a MINIMUM of 6 hours...And that is just for the chemo portion, I have to get there before hand and get an appt with the doctor, and have blood drawn to make sure that my counts are high enough to get chemo that day, then wait- THEN start chemo. uh huh, all day is right. Finally after that craziness I left!
Part 3:
Finally home! And now my boob is starting to ache, then pretty quickly after that it HURTS and I am pacing around. Finally I take a valium(for muscle relaxing) and a norco. I didn't really get 'high' from the meds after my mastectomy but I have been off them for enough days that I sure got high tonight! I decided to order pizza for dinner since I felt achy, and it took me a damn hour just to order pizza off the computer!!! Yea, I would say I was pretty loopy. I am feeling better now though and hopefully that will continue. Only one more mishap- I absentmindedly itched at my ear and I did *something* to the stitches I think- and it bled alot, for quite a few minutes. The stitches still look the same in the front but I am not sure about the back. I ended up putting some gauze and medical tape on it to make sure I didn't do that again. Ears are very difficult things to bandage....
If you actually read all the way through this whole post you deserve some kind of medal!
Oh, and the thing that spurred me to go to the onc's office today to get a clear date for chemo is because my mom is coming out! She decided to come out for my first treatment and that next week, then go back home and then come out just in time for my 2nd treatment and stay through the end of October! Yeah! My kids will not be neglected while I am laying in bed deathly ill and tired :) (yea, I know- they say I won't be deathly ill- I will believe it when I see it) I knew she would be out in October but her coming in September was a nice surprise. Thanks mom!
The day started normal, and only one appointment scheduled for the day with my plastic surgeon- and not for boob related stuff, rather- to repair my stretched out ear piercing so that I can get my ear repierced and wear earrings since I will be bald! Well, I was in enough pain under my arm and really- a LOT of swelling, so I was going to mention that as well. I got there and told the nurse what was up, undressed, put my robe on (nice robes- I want one!) and he came in. I asked him about my underarm and he looked at it and asked what my problem was with it- I just kind of made a noise and face but he just looked at me and said what does *dr doing same noise and face* mean exactly? oh man, he IS funny! I said- it means bad things are going on and I am pretty sure it is NOT normal!!! He poked around and examined and said that the surgeon had done alot of digging in that same area getting more lymph node samples and it was all normal swelling that nothing but time would help. Poo! I am glad it is nothing serious but I want it to at least be something I can fix pronto :(
Then- he decided it was time for a fill (although he told me last week that I needed to wait 2 weeks- which makes my fill next friday) I wasn't really in the mood for more pain today BUT the thought of one less appointment next week was quite tantalizing! So, he then used this magnet to find the 'button' where he has to stick his needle in to fill the expander. His magnet contraption reminded me of one of those forked sticks that people use to 'magically' find water. It pointed the way and then ding! He took out his needle (very tiny) and then the syringe (HUGE) and started filling it from a bag of saline. 50cc- that is a hell of a lot of saline! And I told him so! His reply- no, not really. Whatever dude, it isn't going in your body now, is it? So he began to fill and really a little over halfway through I started to feel 'something' but not pain really. The crazy thing is I was looking down, watching him drain the syringe, and my boob is growing right before my eyes. I kid you not- that is some freaky shit! And in my personal opinion, if you are putting so much fluid in someone that you can see them grow....it is too much! LOL!
I then told him thanks a lot- I spent a whole day and a tantrum trying to get my foob stuffed right to put in my mastectomy bra, FINALLY got it about right and now he went and screwed it all up and I had to destuff and refluff, and reposition....ahhhhh!
Finally it was time for my ear. He numbed it, and went to work. It wasn't bad or painful at all- but then he had to do the back side of my ear, so he lifted my lobe up and pressed it against my ear drum. I could hear all the nasty scraping and scratching he was doing. It really made me feel kind of queasy to hear that noise for so long. Then he stitched it up.
As Dr. Ethridge was working on my today he was talking to the nurse about a drug rep that he knows, and he was telling the nurse that the people at the hospital give him a hard time because he is young and really cute. Now, I think I have mentioned here before- but this guy is NOT ugly. So, I told him that it was funny he was telling me that story because the friend that I had brought with my to my first pre-op appt had seen him and as we were walking out she told me 'yea Tara, I would let him touch my boobs too!' Really- the dr is cute and a plastic surgeon so I figured he got that kind of thing all the time....He got all embarrassed and blushed! Haha! It was so cute! Then the whole time he was doing my ears he was making jokes- saying my ear would be pointy at first but that it would even out as it healed and to please not let my friends see my ear while it is pointy because he wants to be able to touch their ears AND their boobs if need be! Oh man, we were rolling in fits of laughter in there.
Part 2:
I was already on 'that part' of town, so I decided to drive over to my oncologists office. I had called earlier to see if I could find out info on my next tests and also get a tentative start date for chemo. I didn't hear back so I decided I would just go in real quick and find out. I can never be there 'real quick' and I know that now. Apparently, when my echo got rescheduled and done on wednesday (much earlier than originally scheduled) we started a chain of events that were not good at all. Because I am in a research study there are TONS of rules and regulations. My echo has to be done within a certain number of days of me being randomized, and then I need to start chemo within a certain number of days after being randomized...yea- so that just made a big mess. So they were scheduling and unscheduling and I had about 6 people in there brainstorming on what the heck to do because now we are on this timeline that is even sooner than they had planned on and my tissue sample from the hospital still hasn't been able to be aquired yet so that it can be sent to Italy to assure my place in the drug trial. OOOOPS! While I am there and they are figuring these things out they decide I need an EKG too so they wisk me off to get an EKG. After that, they give me a schedule with a bone scan, a checkup, and also a chemo start date which is September 5. If the sample doesn't arrive in time they will have to bump my date and redo my echo but hopefully THAT won't happen!
After all that, I talked to Pam; the nurse navigator. I asked her some questions about the chemo room- mostly wondering if there was more to it up there rather than just staring at the person across from you. She said- WHAT, you haven't had a proper tour? Lets go! (see, I said I can never do anything real quick there!) So, upstairs we went. There weren't any people up there that looked like they were dying, and there was a couple in there laughing. Pam went over to say hi to them. I could tell she was a breast cancer patient because she had a BC shirt on. We chatted for a bit and she told me it was her first treatment- I told her 'yea, I know! You still have hair!' LOL! Many chemo drugs don't make you lose your hair, but all the ones given to BC patients do.
After that, we were off to research to find a nurse that would tell me just how long I would spend my chemo days there. When I asked Dr. Young on Monday- she said to plan on being here all day long. She never gave more info than that. So, the research lady printed off a schedule for me and holy shit! All.Day.Long. is right. a MINIMUM of 6 hours...And that is just for the chemo portion, I have to get there before hand and get an appt with the doctor, and have blood drawn to make sure that my counts are high enough to get chemo that day, then wait- THEN start chemo. uh huh, all day is right. Finally after that craziness I left!
Part 3:
Finally home! And now my boob is starting to ache, then pretty quickly after that it HURTS and I am pacing around. Finally I take a valium(for muscle relaxing) and a norco. I didn't really get 'high' from the meds after my mastectomy but I have been off them for enough days that I sure got high tonight! I decided to order pizza for dinner since I felt achy, and it took me a damn hour just to order pizza off the computer!!! Yea, I would say I was pretty loopy. I am feeling better now though and hopefully that will continue. Only one more mishap- I absentmindedly itched at my ear and I did *something* to the stitches I think- and it bled alot, for quite a few minutes. The stitches still look the same in the front but I am not sure about the back. I ended up putting some gauze and medical tape on it to make sure I didn't do that again. Ears are very difficult things to bandage....
If you actually read all the way through this whole post you deserve some kind of medal!
Oh, and the thing that spurred me to go to the onc's office today to get a clear date for chemo is because my mom is coming out! She decided to come out for my first treatment and that next week, then go back home and then come out just in time for my 2nd treatment and stay through the end of October! Yeah! My kids will not be neglected while I am laying in bed deathly ill and tired :) (yea, I know- they say I won't be deathly ill- I will believe it when I see it) I knew she would be out in October but her coming in September was a nice surprise. Thanks mom!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Chemo teaching class
We are in deep now- We have even had our chemo teaching class! It was yesterday with the nurse navigator at the hospital. I love her- she is funny and she is a BC survivor. She has lymphedema in her left arm (wow- that arm is HUGE in comparison to her right!) so she is just a huge wealth of information. The class took about an hour and went over things like lymphedema but mostly about chemo and when my hair will fall out, making sure I track all my side effects and medications, and she talked to Jim a lot about what to make sure I am eating and what to force me to eat when I refuse everything else. She also went over the symptoms- when they will hit, when my white blood count will be the lowest, and when I will feel the best. I think Jim and I feel better about chemo now. Yea- that chemo room sucks but it will only be for 1 day every 3 weeks that I will be stuck in there and hopefully I will be busy reading, writing, or sleeping, and I might even make a few friends there. I can do it :)
When I complained to her about my nerve issues under my armpit area (yes, I complain about this to every doctor and nurse that will listen) she did think it was possible to be truncal lymphedema and to make sure my plastic surgeon gets me a referral to the lymphedema specialist- I see my plastic surgeon tomorrow for an earlobe repair so I will ask then!
When I complained to her about my nerve issues under my armpit area (yes, I complain about this to every doctor and nurse that will listen) she did think it was possible to be truncal lymphedema and to make sure my plastic surgeon gets me a referral to the lymphedema specialist- I see my plastic surgeon tomorrow for an earlobe repair so I will ask then!
kids
For now my kids are handling things pretty well I think.
Ethan is 12 and is very helpful, and will do absolutely anything that I ask him to do. However- he asks no questions and seeks no answers on almost anything related to cancer. He listens if I need to tell him something about it but other than that, he would rather just go play a video game and forget about mom being sick.
Cameron- He is 7, and he has kind of been my consolation prize for getting cancer. Since the day he was born, this boy has been a thorn in my side. I love him and always have but dang- we butt heads! He is also extremely unaffectionate with me- partially just to be mean. Since diagnosis, he has been kind to me and has hugged me without being asked, and even kissed me once (HUGE deal!) He has also been a great big help with his little sister, and while Ethan was at camp he really took charge, putting food on the table and helping with laundry. Seriously- it has been wonderful to get to see this side of him because it isn't normal in any way for him to act so completely wonderful all the time- THANKS Cam!!! We had a family talk yesterday about germs and hand washing to the extreme when I start chemo. Cameron came to me this afternoon to ask if I started that medicine yet. When I told him no, why? He said that he made a book and put a paperclip on it that he found on the floor in his room. I am thinking awww he is making me a book. No- it's for himself, but he was still worried that the dirty paperclip might make me sick, so he wanted to make sure it was safe to use! haha!
Sloane- She is 4 and totally cracks me up. She loves to see my booboo from my port and she checks it multiple times a day to make sure it's doing okay. She also really likes to take care of me- but there isn't a whole lot a 4 year old can do. Her solution is to put lotion on my feet and legs. She does this about 12 times a day! It is actually tiring to have to sit still while she puts yet even more lotion on, but she loves it so much that I let her do this for me. I have very, very soft legs! Sloane actually walked in on me while taking a bath a few days ago. I had a magazine I was reading so I covered with it the best I could. She askes some questions and knew something was up. I really hemmed and hawed on how to deal with this situation. We are a very open household and nothing is shameful or 'not talked about' really, and I knew she would end up seeing me eventually, yet I didn't want to scar her for life!
Well, I ended up telling her that yes, I had another booboo that was more private. She wanted to know where exactly this was. So I told her (while still covering up with my magazine) that my boob had to be cut to get the cancer out, and that it is a very big boo boo and looked kind of ugly and maybe a little scary but that it did not hurt me at all. I left it at that to see if that would scare her off but no- she is an investigator so she wanted to see. I moved my magazine. All she could do at first was take a HUGE gasp of air. HUGE. Then she said- they cut your nga nga off???? (she called them nga ngas when we were breastfeeding and she won't drop the word- lol) WHY would they cut your nga nga off mommy?? I explained that they had to get the cancer out, but that I had a really good doctor that was making me a new one so that it looks like it did before. She thought about it for a minute and decided that was okay. Then she said- your boo boo is not scary mommy. But it DOES look really weird! :) Love my girl. Then she didn't mention it the whole next day- I thought she had processed it really well and moved on. Well, she woke up this morning to tell me about her dream- it was about doctors cutting nga ngas off :( CRAP! But, upon further investigation she said it wasn't a bad or scary dream, but that is just what happened. I don't know how the hell that wouldn't have been a scary dream but- okay. My kids will certainly be in therapy for years after this....
Ethan is 12 and is very helpful, and will do absolutely anything that I ask him to do. However- he asks no questions and seeks no answers on almost anything related to cancer. He listens if I need to tell him something about it but other than that, he would rather just go play a video game and forget about mom being sick.
Cameron- He is 7, and he has kind of been my consolation prize for getting cancer. Since the day he was born, this boy has been a thorn in my side. I love him and always have but dang- we butt heads! He is also extremely unaffectionate with me- partially just to be mean. Since diagnosis, he has been kind to me and has hugged me without being asked, and even kissed me once (HUGE deal!) He has also been a great big help with his little sister, and while Ethan was at camp he really took charge, putting food on the table and helping with laundry. Seriously- it has been wonderful to get to see this side of him because it isn't normal in any way for him to act so completely wonderful all the time- THANKS Cam!!! We had a family talk yesterday about germs and hand washing to the extreme when I start chemo. Cameron came to me this afternoon to ask if I started that medicine yet. When I told him no, why? He said that he made a book and put a paperclip on it that he found on the floor in his room. I am thinking awww he is making me a book. No- it's for himself, but he was still worried that the dirty paperclip might make me sick, so he wanted to make sure it was safe to use! haha!
Sloane- She is 4 and totally cracks me up. She loves to see my booboo from my port and she checks it multiple times a day to make sure it's doing okay. She also really likes to take care of me- but there isn't a whole lot a 4 year old can do. Her solution is to put lotion on my feet and legs. She does this about 12 times a day! It is actually tiring to have to sit still while she puts yet even more lotion on, but she loves it so much that I let her do this for me. I have very, very soft legs! Sloane actually walked in on me while taking a bath a few days ago. I had a magazine I was reading so I covered with it the best I could. She askes some questions and knew something was up. I really hemmed and hawed on how to deal with this situation. We are a very open household and nothing is shameful or 'not talked about' really, and I knew she would end up seeing me eventually, yet I didn't want to scar her for life!
Well, I ended up telling her that yes, I had another booboo that was more private. She wanted to know where exactly this was. So I told her (while still covering up with my magazine) that my boob had to be cut to get the cancer out, and that it is a very big boo boo and looked kind of ugly and maybe a little scary but that it did not hurt me at all. I left it at that to see if that would scare her off but no- she is an investigator so she wanted to see. I moved my magazine. All she could do at first was take a HUGE gasp of air. HUGE. Then she said- they cut your nga nga off???? (she called them nga ngas when we were breastfeeding and she won't drop the word- lol) WHY would they cut your nga nga off mommy?? I explained that they had to get the cancer out, but that I had a really good doctor that was making me a new one so that it looks like it did before. She thought about it for a minute and decided that was okay. Then she said- your boo boo is not scary mommy. But it DOES look really weird! :) Love my girl. Then she didn't mention it the whole next day- I thought she had processed it really well and moved on. Well, she woke up this morning to tell me about her dream- it was about doctors cutting nga ngas off :( CRAP! But, upon further investigation she said it wasn't a bad or scary dream, but that is just what happened. I don't know how the hell that wouldn't have been a scary dream but- okay. My kids will certainly be in therapy for years after this....
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
My story of zzzzzxanax
I have been having terrible nerve pain in my arm and underarm area. When I spoke to my oncologist about it, she made mention of a medication that could help with it, but she forgot to email the rx in to the pharmacy. After some phone calls the next day, I finally talked to her nurse navigator and she said she would get right on it. Well, I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and when I got home, I noticed it was for Xanax. Hmmmm- I think- wrong kind of nerves!!! I am not nervous- my nerves acutally hurt! LOL! But it was late, so I just decided to look up on the internet if maybe by chance xanax worked for actual nerve pain, and there was some mention of it helping so I decided what the heck. I took one in the evening after dinner, and noticed things felt kinda 'soft' soooo, I laid down in my chair for a bit. Next thing I knew, Ethan is asking to use the big knife to cut watermelon and I know that is NOT a good idea so I better wake up- when I open my eyes, it is pitch black outside. How the hell did that happen??? And all three of my kids are standing around looking at me. I have NO idea what they did for the couple of hours I was passed out cold. I got them to bed (I don't even know how I did that!) and went to bed and slept for another 9 1/2 hours! Jeepers!
Talked to a different nurse today, and told her what had happened. Turns out that yep, the original nurse mistook my complaints as being stressed out or something! I now have REAL nerve medication. Phew! I am waiting till bedtime to take it tonight though....just in case ;) And hey-now I know if I am having trouble sleeping that I have some Xanax in my medicine cabinet- it works wonders! hahahaha!
Talked to a different nurse today, and told her what had happened. Turns out that yep, the original nurse mistook my complaints as being stressed out or something! I now have REAL nerve medication. Phew! I am waiting till bedtime to take it tonight though....just in case ;) And hey-now I know if I am having trouble sleeping that I have some Xanax in my medicine cabinet- it works wonders! hahahaha!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
much better!
Today was much better than yesterday. I am not messing with my 'foob' again until after my next fill at the plastic surgeons. Until then it is good enough, I figure.
First thing this morning I was on the phone trying to fix all of yesterdays craziness. Talked to the nurse navigator at my oncologists office and explained that fridays are the one and only day during the week that my daughter has off from preschool and that is OUR day. I will NOT have appointments that day. She totally got it and said it will get fixed ;) It's good to know that I have people that have got my back. I now have an echo scheduled tomorrow morning, bright and early and hopefully the other appointments will be soon to follow.
Today I went to a Look Good, Feel Better class. It is supposed to show you how to take care of your skin and nails during cancer treatment, as well as how to tie scarves, etc. Well the class itself wasn't anything more than what you might teach a middle school girl- very disappointing! They did teach us how to draw on eyebrows but it looked terrible. LUCKILY, there was a lady in there- I like to call her 'Pretty Lady' She was so beautiful. Chemo has already done it's job on her so she had no body hair at all- she came with her makeup on and looked beautiful and had GREAT eyebrows and a nicely tied scarf. THIS is what I want to look like when I go through chemo! There were a few others there that were baldies, but they just weren't as radiant as Pretty Lady. After the makeup teacher went over how to do eyebrows, me and the lady I was sitting next to decided we wanted to know more about Pretty Lady. So- I asked how SHE did her eyebrows because there were not merely drawn on. She pulled out her stencil and showed us what she uses to apply it. I was really disappointed that the instructor didn't go over stencils or anything of the sort because that really looked so much better. The last part of the class was scarves. They showed us how to make a tshirt scarf by cutting an old tshirt up. yea, I can see how it would be okay in a pinch, but really it looked kinda ghetto. So, again- I speak up and ask Pretty Lady how she did hers, and were they rectangle scarves that you can buy for around your neck or what? No, they are square ones! And she showed us how to tie it on, and accessories that she used to make it prettier and stay on a bit tighter. THANK YOU Pretty Lady! Now, the big perk of the class is that you get a big bag of freebies- I got some Chanel, Estee Lauder, and OPI products- so pretty good stuff! And while the class itself wasn't great I did learn from it, and it was so nice to see people there on chemo that looked MUCH better than the people I saw yesterday in the chemo room. Near the end of class, the nurse came and took Pretty Lady away because she needed to get some iv fluids because she wasn't feeling well. Man- she looked wonderful, I would have never guessed she was not feeling well. PLEASE let me be like her!!!!
The woman next to me also had breast cancer. I think she was early on in her diagnosis. Still getting tests and waiting for surgery- poor woman was scared to death and still pretty weepy. When I told her I was only12 days out from surgery she was amazed. I tried to reassure her that waiting was the worst, after surgery it really does get better. I think it did make her feel a bit better- I hope it did. I really did hate the waiting.
Now on to tomorrow. Echo will be early, then chemo teaching class at the hospital at 11. This will be a class for both Jim and I. Hahahaha. Jim was dumb and answered the phone when his work called- thus causing him to be forced to come in- so he got 1 hour of sleep before work then he will get about 2 tomorrow morning before the class....yea- that will be interesting. I left him unattended for 5 minutes- and after 5 years of training him to NOT answer the phone if it is work- see what happens when I am not there? Ahhh hard lesson learned Jim ;)
First thing this morning I was on the phone trying to fix all of yesterdays craziness. Talked to the nurse navigator at my oncologists office and explained that fridays are the one and only day during the week that my daughter has off from preschool and that is OUR day. I will NOT have appointments that day. She totally got it and said it will get fixed ;) It's good to know that I have people that have got my back. I now have an echo scheduled tomorrow morning, bright and early and hopefully the other appointments will be soon to follow.
Today I went to a Look Good, Feel Better class. It is supposed to show you how to take care of your skin and nails during cancer treatment, as well as how to tie scarves, etc. Well the class itself wasn't anything more than what you might teach a middle school girl- very disappointing! They did teach us how to draw on eyebrows but it looked terrible. LUCKILY, there was a lady in there- I like to call her 'Pretty Lady' She was so beautiful. Chemo has already done it's job on her so she had no body hair at all- she came with her makeup on and looked beautiful and had GREAT eyebrows and a nicely tied scarf. THIS is what I want to look like when I go through chemo! There were a few others there that were baldies, but they just weren't as radiant as Pretty Lady. After the makeup teacher went over how to do eyebrows, me and the lady I was sitting next to decided we wanted to know more about Pretty Lady. So- I asked how SHE did her eyebrows because there were not merely drawn on. She pulled out her stencil and showed us what she uses to apply it. I was really disappointed that the instructor didn't go over stencils or anything of the sort because that really looked so much better. The last part of the class was scarves. They showed us how to make a tshirt scarf by cutting an old tshirt up. yea, I can see how it would be okay in a pinch, but really it looked kinda ghetto. So, again- I speak up and ask Pretty Lady how she did hers, and were they rectangle scarves that you can buy for around your neck or what? No, they are square ones! And she showed us how to tie it on, and accessories that she used to make it prettier and stay on a bit tighter. THANK YOU Pretty Lady! Now, the big perk of the class is that you get a big bag of freebies- I got some Chanel, Estee Lauder, and OPI products- so pretty good stuff! And while the class itself wasn't great I did learn from it, and it was so nice to see people there on chemo that looked MUCH better than the people I saw yesterday in the chemo room. Near the end of class, the nurse came and took Pretty Lady away because she needed to get some iv fluids because she wasn't feeling well. Man- she looked wonderful, I would have never guessed she was not feeling well. PLEASE let me be like her!!!!
The woman next to me also had breast cancer. I think she was early on in her diagnosis. Still getting tests and waiting for surgery- poor woman was scared to death and still pretty weepy. When I told her I was only12 days out from surgery she was amazed. I tried to reassure her that waiting was the worst, after surgery it really does get better. I think it did make her feel a bit better- I hope it did. I really did hate the waiting.
Now on to tomorrow. Echo will be early, then chemo teaching class at the hospital at 11. This will be a class for both Jim and I. Hahahaha. Jim was dumb and answered the phone when his work called- thus causing him to be forced to come in- so he got 1 hour of sleep before work then he will get about 2 tomorrow morning before the class....yea- that will be interesting. I left him unattended for 5 minutes- and after 5 years of training him to NOT answer the phone if it is work- see what happens when I am not there? Ahhh hard lesson learned Jim ;)
Monday, August 13, 2012
Today was not the best day ever.
Finally, since yesterday it seems my surgery pain has mostly gone away- other than first thing in the morning. However, I have terrible nerve pain. I expected it in my arm down to my elbow, but I also seem to have it in this spot under my armpit. There is a weird extra bit of skin/fat/something? there- I don't know what it is but it doesn't look normal- though admittedly, NOTHING on me looks normal these days..... So the elastic on the bras that the hospital gave me rub and make the nerve pain worse. I bought a sports bra that zips, but lucky me- it pushes against my port- so I can't wear that. If I go braless my skin touches itself. Sure, this doesn't sound bad but it IS. the part of my arm with nerve pain touches the part of my underarm with nerve pain and it makes me want to just crawl out of my skin.
Then there is the bra issue. I got dressed today and found a stretchy t-shirt that is soft and comfy. but I couldn't wear it without my foob (fake boob) so that brings in the issue of the evil foob. Evil fucking foob, I tell ya! I have to get the stuffing 'just right' so that it about matches my other side, then I have to wad it up and stuff it in a hole that is in my bra. Well, this messes up the stuffing and makes it look all sorts of wrong. And it can't be just put in. It has a top and a bottom and a inside and an outside.....After redressing myself about 12 times this morning, I ended up throwing a mini tantrum, but finally got it right. phew!
And this was all just so that I could go to my ocology appt.
That has it's own story. The onc is wonderful- I love her. She said she would rx me something for the nerve pain, and something for mouth sores- I get them sometimes and they get worse with chemo AND you cant get a new dose of chemo if you have mouth sores.... Well, she sent in the rx for the mouthwash stuff but forgot the nerve stuff- I will have to get that taken care of tomorrow. I am still eligible for the Aphinity trial so I am excited about that. We talked more about my pathology report- and in addition to the 3 positive nodes, I also had a vascular invasion- which means that it got into at least some of my bloodstream. Between the nodes and the vascular invasion- that really does raise the possibility of it having spread elsewhere.
I need to have a PET scan, a bone scan, and an EKG before chemo. These will be scheduled in the next couple of weeks. Not sure yet if I will do chemo on Mondays or Wednesdays- I think wednesdays will be better because the kids are less likely to be out of school for various holidays, and I am also thinking I will still feel well enough on fridays of my chemo week to have Sloane home with me and take her to dance class because she desperately wants to go to dance class. The woman doing scheduling was kind of a bitch. She didn't really listen to me and scheduled all my stuff on friday. This is the ONLY day I can really not do 'stuff' like that. And I am pretty sure she scheduled my first chemo day on a friday- even the doctor said we can't do that on a friday because I need to come back in the following day for an additional injection.....bah! More crap that I need to fix tomorrow!
During this appt, I also needed bloodwork. Well, since I had my port in- I asked to just have it taken from there ( I was excited about this!) Well, that meant that I couldn't go to the regular lab- I had to go up to the chemo room. Uh- sort of glad because I wanted to see what it was like in there, but sort of scared too. As soon as I walked in I wanted to run out as fast as I could. There was a busy nurses station and then a lot of chairs. Chairs with sick people in them. They weren't 'just' bald. They looked like they were dying. Jim did point out that most of them *were* kinda old, which is true but it did not leave a good first impression. I just sat there looking around- I guess there were some trees to look at out the windows, but other than that it was really pretty bleak- people staring that the people sitting across from them. And I will get to spend HOURS there :( Oh- and cel phone reception is TERRIBLE there! So anyway- I lean over to Jim and whisper 'I don't like it in here' and he whispered back 'I don't blame you!' Finally the nurse came to take my blood. SUPER easy! I loved that I had my port. I think she took 6 vials and it was like nothing happened at all.
On the way home the reality of being 'sick' and starting chemo really started to hit. I really have been trying to stay positive about it all and play it off like it's not that big of a deal. Not today. Today I am not looking forward to the rest of my treatment. I do not ever want to go back to that room, and get hooked up to the poison that makes those people look so aweful and sickly. I do not want that to be me. damn it, damn it, damn it, why does it have to be me?????
Looks like I will be going back to 'that room' to start chemo about the first week of september.
Then there is the bra issue. I got dressed today and found a stretchy t-shirt that is soft and comfy. but I couldn't wear it without my foob (fake boob) so that brings in the issue of the evil foob. Evil fucking foob, I tell ya! I have to get the stuffing 'just right' so that it about matches my other side, then I have to wad it up and stuff it in a hole that is in my bra. Well, this messes up the stuffing and makes it look all sorts of wrong. And it can't be just put in. It has a top and a bottom and a inside and an outside.....After redressing myself about 12 times this morning, I ended up throwing a mini tantrum, but finally got it right. phew!
And this was all just so that I could go to my ocology appt.
That has it's own story. The onc is wonderful- I love her. She said she would rx me something for the nerve pain, and something for mouth sores- I get them sometimes and they get worse with chemo AND you cant get a new dose of chemo if you have mouth sores.... Well, she sent in the rx for the mouthwash stuff but forgot the nerve stuff- I will have to get that taken care of tomorrow. I am still eligible for the Aphinity trial so I am excited about that. We talked more about my pathology report- and in addition to the 3 positive nodes, I also had a vascular invasion- which means that it got into at least some of my bloodstream. Between the nodes and the vascular invasion- that really does raise the possibility of it having spread elsewhere.
I need to have a PET scan, a bone scan, and an EKG before chemo. These will be scheduled in the next couple of weeks. Not sure yet if I will do chemo on Mondays or Wednesdays- I think wednesdays will be better because the kids are less likely to be out of school for various holidays, and I am also thinking I will still feel well enough on fridays of my chemo week to have Sloane home with me and take her to dance class because she desperately wants to go to dance class. The woman doing scheduling was kind of a bitch. She didn't really listen to me and scheduled all my stuff on friday. This is the ONLY day I can really not do 'stuff' like that. And I am pretty sure she scheduled my first chemo day on a friday- even the doctor said we can't do that on a friday because I need to come back in the following day for an additional injection.....bah! More crap that I need to fix tomorrow!
During this appt, I also needed bloodwork. Well, since I had my port in- I asked to just have it taken from there ( I was excited about this!) Well, that meant that I couldn't go to the regular lab- I had to go up to the chemo room. Uh- sort of glad because I wanted to see what it was like in there, but sort of scared too. As soon as I walked in I wanted to run out as fast as I could. There was a busy nurses station and then a lot of chairs. Chairs with sick people in them. They weren't 'just' bald. They looked like they were dying. Jim did point out that most of them *were* kinda old, which is true but it did not leave a good first impression. I just sat there looking around- I guess there were some trees to look at out the windows, but other than that it was really pretty bleak- people staring that the people sitting across from them. And I will get to spend HOURS there :( Oh- and cel phone reception is TERRIBLE there! So anyway- I lean over to Jim and whisper 'I don't like it in here' and he whispered back 'I don't blame you!' Finally the nurse came to take my blood. SUPER easy! I loved that I had my port. I think she took 6 vials and it was like nothing happened at all.
On the way home the reality of being 'sick' and starting chemo really started to hit. I really have been trying to stay positive about it all and play it off like it's not that big of a deal. Not today. Today I am not looking forward to the rest of my treatment. I do not ever want to go back to that room, and get hooked up to the poison that makes those people look so aweful and sickly. I do not want that to be me. damn it, damn it, damn it, why does it have to be me?????
Looks like I will be going back to 'that room' to start chemo about the first week of september.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Happy things...
Here are some of the things that people have sent me to make my smile :)
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| Love the colors in these flowers! |
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| Ha! yes, there ARE boxing gloves in this picture :) |
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| Beautiful light catching ornament! |
Let me introduce you to my *happy* box. I bought this box shortly after diagnosis because almost immediately, I started getting tons of cards from people- some I knew well, and some that I have never met before, but that I now consider very good friends. I put this box next to my bed and save every one of my get well cards in the box. That way- when I have a down day, I can open my box and have a million reasons to smile :)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
getting out of the house
I have really been going stir crazy! Last night I decided we needed to go do some back to school shopping for the kids. We went to Office Depot and Target. Surprisingly my pain pills carried me all the way through that- it was a lot of shopping! I also needed to get a new bra- I didn't see any sports type bras that did up in the front but I got one that is padded and makes me look sorta normal (I just can't put it on by myself- haha)
Today- we get to go on a car ride because it's the day to pick up Ethan from camp. Might be a smoky ride because there have been fires up near his camp that are very close to the road we drive through to get there. Word from camp is that the camp itself has not been affected.
I forgot to mention that during my surgeon appt she did say that because of all the lymph nodes removed, I have a 30-50% chance of developing lymphedema. Ick! So I need to be careful with my right arm always, and not do too many repetative movements with it (like painting- I LOVE painting!) and if I do radiation it will increase my chances more. bah! They will set me up with the lymphedema specialists soon though so we can stay ahead of the game.
That reminds me that I need to ask the plastic surgeon if he can fill in my armpit where they took my nodes. There is no incision there but a hole that I am pretty sure reaches all they way to my other armpit! It's kinda freaky!
Another thing I would like to add is that I STILL haven't freaked out. I am in a weird sort of way comfortable with how I look. Don't get me wrong, that scar is ugly as shit, and it is all sorts of freaky to not have a boob or nipple, but it doesn't scare me they way I thought it would. I just keep waiting thinking any day now the other shoe will drop and I will have to be sent to the loony bin, but I just keep accepting it all and moving forward. And I am finding it easy to move forward. It is very very strange indeed.
and one last addition: I got to take a bath last night! If you know me at all, you know this made me a happy happy happy girl. I even got to shave my legs :)
Today- we get to go on a car ride because it's the day to pick up Ethan from camp. Might be a smoky ride because there have been fires up near his camp that are very close to the road we drive through to get there. Word from camp is that the camp itself has not been affected.
I forgot to mention that during my surgeon appt she did say that because of all the lymph nodes removed, I have a 30-50% chance of developing lymphedema. Ick! So I need to be careful with my right arm always, and not do too many repetative movements with it (like painting- I LOVE painting!) and if I do radiation it will increase my chances more. bah! They will set me up with the lymphedema specialists soon though so we can stay ahead of the game.
That reminds me that I need to ask the plastic surgeon if he can fill in my armpit where they took my nodes. There is no incision there but a hole that I am pretty sure reaches all they way to my other armpit! It's kinda freaky!
Another thing I would like to add is that I STILL haven't freaked out. I am in a weird sort of way comfortable with how I look. Don't get me wrong, that scar is ugly as shit, and it is all sorts of freaky to not have a boob or nipple, but it doesn't scare me they way I thought it would. I just keep waiting thinking any day now the other shoe will drop and I will have to be sent to the loony bin, but I just keep accepting it all and moving forward. And I am finding it easy to move forward. It is very very strange indeed.
and one last addition: I got to take a bath last night! If you know me at all, you know this made me a happy happy happy girl. I even got to shave my legs :)
Friday, August 10, 2012
FREEDOM!
On wednesday the plastic surgeon told me that my 2nd drain might just be ready to come out by friday. I wasn't too sure at the time, but wednesday it put out a small enough amount of fluid that it was actually a possibility. I kept running around the house exclaiming 'tomorrow I will be free!' Jim was more pessimistic. He thought it really might be too early for that to happen but I told him to shut up. LOL! All light-heartedly of course but man- let me have my moment! So friday morning came and I called the office first thing in the morning asking to come in. They said yes! WOOOHOOOO! So I scrounged around for a babysitter, and Jim drove me to the plastic surgeons office. I had to undress and put a robe on. I don't undress 'pretty' these days since my right arm is not working great. I got my robe on and sat down and Jim noticed my hair was all over the place. He came to straighten it, and told me- I know how you like to look good for your cute plastic surgeon, so let me fix you up. :) HAHA! Okay, he is totally right, He is SUCH a cutie. And of course Jim isn't jealous- after all- this is the man that is gonna give him some new bedtime toys :) So if I get a little eye candy out of the deal, then so be it!
Then of course, his nurses came in and took out the drain instead of the doctor. I did get a moment with him in the hall as I was leaving though.
Seems that my body wasn't too happy about the drain coming out. I have bled quite a bit since it came out but we are just changing bandages often. Way better than being attached to a drain!
As soon as I got home I took off my camisole and put on my mastectomy bra- complete with a foob (fake boob) It is just a form with stuffed animal filling in it, that I can add to or take away from to match it to the other side. It was pretty nice to walk around symmetrical!
So yes, I am healing quite well. The downside is that I am still taking rx pain pills and if I wait a little long then I really pay for it. This is SO frustrating for me! I am now on my 3rd refill of norco :( I do think I may be able to slow it down a tiny bit today, and I am also going to add some aleve to it to see if that helps any.
I start my implant fills in 2 weeks! However, I am going in next week for an ear procedure. My piercing on my right side pulled down quite a bit and I haven't worn earrings in about 25 years because of it. I decided that I have a plastic surgeon now, so I may as well use him, plus if I am going to be bald- earrings will look nice!
Then of course, his nurses came in and took out the drain instead of the doctor. I did get a moment with him in the hall as I was leaving though.
Seems that my body wasn't too happy about the drain coming out. I have bled quite a bit since it came out but we are just changing bandages often. Way better than being attached to a drain!
As soon as I got home I took off my camisole and put on my mastectomy bra- complete with a foob (fake boob) It is just a form with stuffed animal filling in it, that I can add to or take away from to match it to the other side. It was pretty nice to walk around symmetrical!
So yes, I am healing quite well. The downside is that I am still taking rx pain pills and if I wait a little long then I really pay for it. This is SO frustrating for me! I am now on my 3rd refill of norco :( I do think I may be able to slow it down a tiny bit today, and I am also going to add some aleve to it to see if that helps any.
I start my implant fills in 2 weeks! However, I am going in next week for an ear procedure. My piercing on my right side pulled down quite a bit and I haven't worn earrings in about 25 years because of it. I decided that I have a plastic surgeon now, so I may as well use him, plus if I am going to be bald- earrings will look nice!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
1 week post op with the surgeon
My post op appointment went very well. She said that I was healing really well. The pathology report came back and there was a total of 16 lymph nodes taken, of those, 3 were positive for cancer. There was 2mm or less in each node which is tiny- so it appears that the cancer and just started to spread to my nodes, and handn't had much time to grow or multiply yet. The tumor itself was about an inch long- yep, that is about how big it felt to me! She got clear margins too. Since it had spread to my nodes, it put my cancer stage at IIb- between IIa and IIIa. She said I am kind of borderline for radiation, it is up to the oncologist. The radiation could mess up my reconstruction, but for now they are continuing reconstruction anyway. I am not really sure how much it would 'mess it up' because if the lymph nodes were under my arm, I would think the radiation would be there, rather than closer to the breast....I will find out more on monday though. She also said my port looked good (it feels great!) and that I don't need to come back to her for a month. Have I mentioned before that I LOVE my breast surgeon? She is so kind and friendly. She does not have the demeanor of a surgeon at all.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
1 drain down, 1 to go!
Today has been such a wonderful day (could be because I haven't been light on my meds today haha)! My very good friend Shelby drove me to my plastic surgeon appointment. The plastic surgeon said everything was healing great! He also took one of my drains out (I had heard that did not feel pleasant at all but it didn't feel bad at all luckily!) He said that by friday my 2nd drain might be ready to take out. I sort of doubt it because in the last 24 hrs that drain has been giving out a lot of fluid, but I am so glad to hear that it might not be that long. I think the norm is 2 weeks, so as far as that goes I am doing great! Shelby was in the room with me- I wasn't sure if she might pass out at the sight of my scar but she didn't (phew!) But she was surprised at how long it was. Yep- it IS very big. Dr. Etheridge told me that all the fluid he put in my expander saved me 6 months worth of fills. YIKES! I told him that at the time of surgery I certainly did NOT appreciate that! Now that the pain is almost tolerable though, it is nice to have a little bump there.... He also told me that I may regain some of the feeling back in my skin! The oncology surgeon told me that I would have no feeling there at all. I am excited at the possibility of having some sort of feeling back! yeah!
After the appointment we went to Spiral's Diner. Neither of us had ever been. It is a completely vegan diner. I had a Chicken-less salad sandwich. I must say- it was really delicious! Shelby liked her food too, but maybe not quite as much. She was quite a good sport to try it out though :)
Jim is off work tomorrow and for the next week! Poor guy is so exhausted. He has been coming home from work, doing the dishes, getting the kids ready for bed, getting me ready for bed, then getting his food ready for work the next day, then he still has to shower. Pretty sure he hasn't had a full 5 hours of sleep any of the last 3 nights. He is doing such a good job taking care of me though. I had really wanted to shower yesterday but he was so busy that I felt bad and didn't want to make extra work for him so I waited. This morning I actually showered by myself. YEAH! I am such a big girl now! :)
After the appointment we went to Spiral's Diner. Neither of us had ever been. It is a completely vegan diner. I had a Chicken-less salad sandwich. I must say- it was really delicious! Shelby liked her food too, but maybe not quite as much. She was quite a good sport to try it out though :)
Jim is off work tomorrow and for the next week! Poor guy is so exhausted. He has been coming home from work, doing the dishes, getting the kids ready for bed, getting me ready for bed, then getting his food ready for work the next day, then he still has to shower. Pretty sure he hasn't had a full 5 hours of sleep any of the last 3 nights. He is doing such a good job taking care of me though. I had really wanted to shower yesterday but he was so busy that I felt bad and didn't want to make extra work for him so I waited. This morning I actually showered by myself. YEAH! I am such a big girl now! :)
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
yesterday=great, today not so much
well, yesterday was a wonderful day. It was great, I felt really good and had a lot of energy. I guess I used it all up. I have been taking slightly less pain meds in the middle of the night and doing well with it. I reduced them a bit more last night and it was fine. During the day up until today I have been taking 2 every 4 hours- though last night I was able to stretch it to almost 6 hours. Today I felt like I could take 1 every 4. wrong. So, I waited in pain till it was time for my next dose and took 1 1/2 a little better, but really still not great. Guess I am going back to 2 at a time. Oh well. It WOULD be really nice to feel good without being all drugged up, but I guess it will happen eventually.
My port a cath incision is kind of itchy and the spots where my drains go in are kind of itchy too. I have been wondering if one of my drains is clogged, but today I talked to the nurse navigator and we decided it wasn't clogged, just not putting out much fluid- which is GOOD news! Actually the other one that has been a bigger producer of fluid is even slowing down quite a bit. I am trying not to get my hopes up toooooo much but I may just be able to get them both taken out tomorrow! WoooHoooo! No more lumpy shirts!
here is my port a cath incision. the unbruised lump directly under it is where my cath actually is placed. It looks kinda icky, but really it doesn't hurt!
Cameron and Sloane have been SUPER HELPERS this week. They have even done a few loads of laundry for me. Sloane actually even folded a couple of washcloths -the right way!!! I am crazy proud of my kiddos :)
This is the other thing I am loving right now. My remote control power lift recliner! It stands me right up! I have been sleeping in this thing since I got home from the hospital and it has made my recovery so much easier.
My port a cath incision is kind of itchy and the spots where my drains go in are kind of itchy too. I have been wondering if one of my drains is clogged, but today I talked to the nurse navigator and we decided it wasn't clogged, just not putting out much fluid- which is GOOD news! Actually the other one that has been a bigger producer of fluid is even slowing down quite a bit. I am trying not to get my hopes up toooooo much but I may just be able to get them both taken out tomorrow! WoooHoooo! No more lumpy shirts!
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Monday, August 6, 2012
making progress
It has been 4 days since surgery. I must say, I am feeling pretty good; all things considered. I am still taking more pain meds than I wish I were, but that's okay! I am still sleeping on my lovely remote control power lift recliner, it is sooo helpful! Night before last, I needed Jim to rewrap me before bed, and I knew it was time to at least sneek a peak. I was so nervous, and I started to cry before hand but Jim just stood there with me, and I looked down for the first time. All I could think was *oh* that's it, just oh. I couldn't see the scar from my angle- the tissue expander leaves a big enough bump that the scar is just under the bump. I didn't care to look any more carefully, I just let Jim wrap me up and dress me for bed. By last night though- I needed a shower terribly bad! I finally got a good look at everything. It was strange and foreign, and I could not believe it was a part of ME. I was really hopeful that since I was having a plastic surgeon close me up that it would be a nice clean line- nope!big and lumpy and yucky. I really was prepared to lose it at that point- but I didn't. More than anything, I guess I was just sort of numb. As weird and gross and terrible as it all is, I am somehow okay with it. I have no idea how in the world I am okay with it, but I am! I am guessing that my mom and my sister do all the freaking out and crying for me, so that I don't have to- thanks guys! ;)
My drains are not nearly as much of a pain as I thought they might be, and they are starting to have much less output so I am really hoping that at my appt wed or thurs with my doctors that I might be able to get one or both of them out. I have a tank top on today that I thought would be loose fitting, but with my drains I am very lumpy and bumpy!
I was also able to lift my arm high enough to look at my armpit. We had been curious to see if there was an incision there, and just waht it looked like since all those lymph nodes were removed. No incision! I guess she just went straight in from my breast. However, there is a hole or a pucker where the tissue was removed. It is so deep I swear you can see the other armpit from the one with the hole! LOL! I don't think that will ever return to normal. Also, because of her digging around in my armpit, the entire back half of my arm is numb from the shoulder to the elbow, and also a bit on my back. The nurse told me that the arm would eventually return to normal but my underarm/back will always be numb like that.
I can't remember if I posted before that my port a cath had been placed. She did it during my surgery and I am so glad- that means one less surgery to do this year! It is on my left side just under my collar bone. There is a big nasty incision for it and it is pretty bruised today but really that doesn't hurt at all. I can now have injections and have blood drawn from my port! yipee!! That is especially good because since I have had lymph node removal, I will never again be allowed to have injections, blood draws, or blood pressure taken from my right arm.
I guess the next step is having my drains removed, then I will get a bone scan to make sure there is no bone cancer, then chemo. I am ready!
Today everyone was a bit nervous because Jim returned to work today. He left the lids off my pills since I don't have the strength in my arm to open them, and then Cameron and Sloane have been here with me today (we had a 4 hour car ride yesterday to take Ethan to camp!) I had my neighbor Sara come help me get dressed this morning and get a rx refill, but other than that Cameron and Sloane have been the best little helpers. No fighting, whining, or anything from either of them. They have been patient with me and have been eager to do any jobs I give them.
I am so lucky to have the best friends, husband, kids, and extended family ever!
My drains are not nearly as much of a pain as I thought they might be, and they are starting to have much less output so I am really hoping that at my appt wed or thurs with my doctors that I might be able to get one or both of them out. I have a tank top on today that I thought would be loose fitting, but with my drains I am very lumpy and bumpy!
I was also able to lift my arm high enough to look at my armpit. We had been curious to see if there was an incision there, and just waht it looked like since all those lymph nodes were removed. No incision! I guess she just went straight in from my breast. However, there is a hole or a pucker where the tissue was removed. It is so deep I swear you can see the other armpit from the one with the hole! LOL! I don't think that will ever return to normal. Also, because of her digging around in my armpit, the entire back half of my arm is numb from the shoulder to the elbow, and also a bit on my back. The nurse told me that the arm would eventually return to normal but my underarm/back will always be numb like that.
I can't remember if I posted before that my port a cath had been placed. She did it during my surgery and I am so glad- that means one less surgery to do this year! It is on my left side just under my collar bone. There is a big nasty incision for it and it is pretty bruised today but really that doesn't hurt at all. I can now have injections and have blood drawn from my port! yipee!! That is especially good because since I have had lymph node removal, I will never again be allowed to have injections, blood draws, or blood pressure taken from my right arm.
I guess the next step is having my drains removed, then I will get a bone scan to make sure there is no bone cancer, then chemo. I am ready!
Today everyone was a bit nervous because Jim returned to work today. He left the lids off my pills since I don't have the strength in my arm to open them, and then Cameron and Sloane have been here with me today (we had a 4 hour car ride yesterday to take Ethan to camp!) I had my neighbor Sara come help me get dressed this morning and get a rx refill, but other than that Cameron and Sloane have been the best little helpers. No fighting, whining, or anything from either of them. They have been patient with me and have been eager to do any jobs I give them.
I am so lucky to have the best friends, husband, kids, and extended family ever!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
hurdle 1- complete!
warning! this is all written very terribly because I have very little use of my right arm, and I am heavily medicated haha!
well surgery went very well when she took out a lymph node she did find 2mm of cancer there, so she had to take out a few more and a chunk out of my armpit basically. all of the nurses and everyone at the hospital were wonderful and the night of surgery I felt pretty good. pain felt relatively well controlled. I sent jim home because I wanted him to get a good nights rest so that he would be able to deal with me the next day. by about midnight the morphine stopped providing relief and I was in increasing amount of pain. I was also on pain pills but they only helped for 2 hours; they were supposed to help for 4 to 6hrs. I remained awake most of the night because of the incredible pain I was in. the night nurse was wonderful, she really try to keep my pain under control as best she could until doctor Chow come in in the morning and increase my dosage. She informed me that if I was not able to get my pain under control I would have to remain in the hospital another night which I really did not want. My back hurt so bad from laying in that hospital bed finally I asked the nurse to help me setup. at that point I just broke down and started crying it hurts so bad. thankfully the increased dosage of my pain pills helped immensely. I got a few hours of sleep in the morning after my meds took effect. because of the lymph nodes they took out of my armpit I have very little ability to use my right arm. between the arm pain and the chest muscles being in excruciating pain it is very difficult to stand up or sit down. if I would not have had reconstruction the pain would not be as bad because they wouldn't have done as much to the muscles in my chest wall. the nurses kept coming in and insisting that I go walking in the hall as it would make me feel better but I refuse until they removed my catheter which they couldn't do into the plastic surgeon came in to see me and he didn't come until the afternoon. by the time he came I was doing well enough that he said if I felt like going home I could, thank goodness. he also informed me that he did not only place the empty tissue expanders inside during reconstruction he also filled them slightly which I'm sure has added to the pain that I'm feeling. I'm kind of annoyed that he did that, really.
after getting in and out of my bed a few times I knew for sure that I would not be able to get in or out of my bed at home. when jim showed up that morning I told him that before I could come home he needed to call rent a center and rent the recliner that had a remote control since I cannot use my arm. he was able to get 1 for that day and it even had a lift- sweet!
myrtle, a woman from our church came to visit me. She is a breast cancer survivor and has been very wonderful and supportive throughout this whole ordeal. it was very good to see her. then the breast health navigator came and brought me a camisole and lots of goodies like fake boobs to put in my mastectomy bra, she also gave me a massage and showed me shoulder exercises that I need to do everyday. she even showed Jim how to change out my drains and how to keep records of all the fluids that he takes out. Poor Jim, he really has to do a lot of gross things to take care of me and he is so wonderful he does not even complain about it. when they changed out my bandages jim got a glimpse of everything and said it really did not look too bad at all. I still have not looked. I close my eyes every time they come to check my dressings. I am just glad noone is forcing me to look; I guess they all know I need to wait and look when I am ready which is absolutely not now. they said I am allowed to shower as soon as I want hopefully I will get brave soon, before I start stinking too badly!
we finally got home about 4 pm, then my recliner was delivered and it is so wonderful. I slept in it last night and only woke when my alarm went off to remind me to take my pills. that was so nice!
today is Saturday and I am really feeling so much better. the only problem I'm having it itching, I think it is from my pain pills it happened right after I take them. there aren't any fights or anything just watching all over it drives me crazy, but I don't really care as long as I'm not in pain
well surgery went very well when she took out a lymph node she did find 2mm of cancer there, so she had to take out a few more and a chunk out of my armpit basically. all of the nurses and everyone at the hospital were wonderful and the night of surgery I felt pretty good. pain felt relatively well controlled. I sent jim home because I wanted him to get a good nights rest so that he would be able to deal with me the next day. by about midnight the morphine stopped providing relief and I was in increasing amount of pain. I was also on pain pills but they only helped for 2 hours; they were supposed to help for 4 to 6hrs. I remained awake most of the night because of the incredible pain I was in. the night nurse was wonderful, she really try to keep my pain under control as best she could until doctor Chow come in in the morning and increase my dosage. She informed me that if I was not able to get my pain under control I would have to remain in the hospital another night which I really did not want. My back hurt so bad from laying in that hospital bed finally I asked the nurse to help me setup. at that point I just broke down and started crying it hurts so bad. thankfully the increased dosage of my pain pills helped immensely. I got a few hours of sleep in the morning after my meds took effect. because of the lymph nodes they took out of my armpit I have very little ability to use my right arm. between the arm pain and the chest muscles being in excruciating pain it is very difficult to stand up or sit down. if I would not have had reconstruction the pain would not be as bad because they wouldn't have done as much to the muscles in my chest wall. the nurses kept coming in and insisting that I go walking in the hall as it would make me feel better but I refuse until they removed my catheter which they couldn't do into the plastic surgeon came in to see me and he didn't come until the afternoon. by the time he came I was doing well enough that he said if I felt like going home I could, thank goodness. he also informed me that he did not only place the empty tissue expanders inside during reconstruction he also filled them slightly which I'm sure has added to the pain that I'm feeling. I'm kind of annoyed that he did that, really.
after getting in and out of my bed a few times I knew for sure that I would not be able to get in or out of my bed at home. when jim showed up that morning I told him that before I could come home he needed to call rent a center and rent the recliner that had a remote control since I cannot use my arm. he was able to get 1 for that day and it even had a lift- sweet!
myrtle, a woman from our church came to visit me. She is a breast cancer survivor and has been very wonderful and supportive throughout this whole ordeal. it was very good to see her. then the breast health navigator came and brought me a camisole and lots of goodies like fake boobs to put in my mastectomy bra, she also gave me a massage and showed me shoulder exercises that I need to do everyday. she even showed Jim how to change out my drains and how to keep records of all the fluids that he takes out. Poor Jim, he really has to do a lot of gross things to take care of me and he is so wonderful he does not even complain about it. when they changed out my bandages jim got a glimpse of everything and said it really did not look too bad at all. I still have not looked. I close my eyes every time they come to check my dressings. I am just glad noone is forcing me to look; I guess they all know I need to wait and look when I am ready which is absolutely not now. they said I am allowed to shower as soon as I want hopefully I will get brave soon, before I start stinking too badly!
we finally got home about 4 pm, then my recliner was delivered and it is so wonderful. I slept in it last night and only woke when my alarm went off to remind me to take my pills. that was so nice!
today is Saturday and I am really feeling so much better. the only problem I'm having it itching, I think it is from my pain pills it happened right after I take them. there aren't any fights or anything just watching all over it drives me crazy, but I don't really care as long as I'm not in pain
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Tomorrow is the day!
Okay, I think I am ready for this. Actually looking forward to it a bit maybe. Odd I know, but it will be one hurdle over with, and I will (most likely) be cancer free! Yea, still have chemo just to make sure- but at least I won't constantly be wondering if it is growing more, if it is starting to spread, etc. I think I am a bit nervous- but I only say that because I couldn't eat dinner tonight and after a small piece of cake- I was done eating (I LOVE that I am not a stress eater!)
Anyway- probably won't post much until after surgery....wish me luck!
Also- I would like to say again THANK YOU to everyone! I truly can not list everyone here because the list would be as long as the day. So many people have helped and continue to help me through this ordeal- I feel so loved.
Anyway- probably won't post much until after surgery....wish me luck!
Also- I would like to say again THANK YOU to everyone! I truly can not list everyone here because the list would be as long as the day. So many people have helped and continue to help me through this ordeal- I feel so loved.
Boob Voyage!
After a wonderful 2 week vacation with family, I am back! I had a lymph node test today at the hospital to determine which node needed to be removed for biopsy. That was pretty easy and completely painless. Hey- I even got a 2 minute boob massage out of it! haha!
Then, this evening, a wonderful friend brought a cake over that I had her make (I swear- she can make ANYTHING!) And she did not disappoint! Are these not the most awesome boobs!?
I had a small group of friends over to help me say goodbye to 'righty'. It was a perfect night.
I couldn't ask for better friends, these girls are all amazing and I love that they were able to come and have fun with me and be a little crazy- and eat some boobie cake too!
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