What I want

What I want really is to not be doing any of this.  But I am, and big life changing decisions need to be made, quickly.  It was relatively easy to decide I want a double mastectomy.  I am too young for this disease, so I sure as hell am not going to let it get me again.  That was until I realized they take your nipples. OMG- they TAKE your NIPPLES! OFF!  Well, then I found that there is a procedure called nipple sparing- they retain as much skin as possible, and they reattach the nipple, after scraping off all the insides... Okay, I think. I can still do this.  As long as I don't end up a nipple-less freak, I will be okay. Then on Thursday, the breast health navigator calls me to check in- she calls everyone that gets diagnosed with breast cancer at that hospital.  She informs me that very few doctors are willing to do nipple sparing.  This really pisses me off.  I am grumpy most of the rest of the day.
Then that night I find some pictures online of nipples made from tissue from the abdomen.  They don't look freaky- they look normal.  I start to feel more okay with it, and then on Friday, I show Jim the pictures- we go 'nipple shopping' online...! LOL!  We find some and talk about it, and I think we are both okay with that right now.
At this point I am SO glad that my appt is on tuesday because if it were further out, I would lose my mind.  I spend hours and hours every day doing massive amounts of research.  It's the only way I can feel 'in control' in this crazy situation.  So yes, to feel more sane, my husband and I go nipple shopping on the internet. :)  Of course, at this point, we dont even have any idea what the surgeon will say or when she will want to do surgery.  I am truly hoping though that we can just lop both the girls off and that we can do immediate reconstruction and I will wake up from surgery with brand new boobs! We will see.