biopsy

Today was biopsy day.  Dr. Malone was there- she is the same doctor that did my ultrasound on friday.  She is very nice and comforting, and also very honest.  I know that they 'technically' cant tell you anything and from an ultrasound it may not be at all what is actually going on- only pathology will tell for sure.  I asked her though what she felt was going on with my lump.   She hesitated, then said "Can you handle bad news?"  Well sure I said! Ha!   She told me that based on the characteristics of my lump, that she was really quite sure it was cancer because the things that she saw in that mass are things that just aren't seen in non cancerous masses.  I did not cry though.  I stayed calm as she numbed my breast with an entire bottle of novicane, then watched the ultrasound screen as she repetedly shoved a 10guage needle into my breast about 15 times.  Sounds terrible but really I only felt a weird sensation- no pain at all.  Afterward, the placed a tiny metal clip inside the tumor so that they know where it is, and know that is the lump that was tested. I got a mammogram afterward to make sure that the clip was in the right place, and it was.  Dr. Malone told me that she would call with my results some time on Wednesday.
Then I left, got in the car, and that is when I lost it.  I couldn't breathe at all- some sort of hysterical panic attack.  How could this be me?  HOW?  All added up I breastfed for 4 YEARS!!! That means I can't have breast cancer.  I can't.  I calmed down enough to drive home.  Every few minutes though I would burst into tears.  I was so scared.