Got bored and took some pictures of myself

Happy days do happen sometimes!



My and my girl



At Breakfast with Mom day at school with Cam

Thanksgiving feast with Sloane

First herceptin only treatment! (no more yucky chemo!)

Wearing the best wig ever that my neice made for me :)  Who wouldn't want to wear a rainbow on their head?

The date was great!

I went to the Cancer Center to meet 'Jane'.  I had no idea what she looked like, but I knew she was done with chemo, so she had some hair, and I knew she was about 60yrs old.  I tell ya- it was much like a blind date.  I sat in the waiting room looking at people, waiting for someone that fit that description.  I finally found a woman and asked her name- she was the one I was looking for!  When I first got there, I saw Fred the nurse in the lobby.  I told her that I was meeting 'Jane' so I could see her boobs, and that we would be borrowing an exam room.  She kind of looked at me strange, then smiled really big and said sure- I will give you guys a room!  Yeah!  So, when I finally found Jane in the waiting room, I just took her back to the rooms and found Fred- she led us to an empty room.    All I can say about the experience is WOW!  It was amazing!  Seriously!  She showed me, and I could not stop staring.  It looked so real and so natural.  She had a scar underneat her boob, in the crease but I couldn't see any other scar.  It was smooshy and floppy and great!  I just kept staring and saying "wow, that is such a great boob!"  She has gone through her second surgery for it- stage 2.  That is where they build her nipple and areola.  Instead of just having her areola tattooed on, she actually had a skin graft from her hip made into the areola.  She is still waiting to get the tattooing done, which will just add color.  If I didn't know better,I would never guess that she had a mastectomy- it looked so real and natural.  I knew after seeing it, that absolutely this was the right thing for me to do!  I might get something out of this that looks real- not something out of a horror movie or freak show, like I have now.  I am so excited!  Jane told me that I can call her anytime if I have questions.  She also told me that she is pretty sure that Dr. Duffy won't wait very long to do the surgery.  Of course it all depends on how my skin reacts to radiation but at least there is a possibility that I will have the surgery before summer or maybe early summer.  It would be kind of nice to go into summer with a completely flat stomach and a nearly matching set of boobs!!  I really am glad that I met with her- I feel so much more positive about the outcome of this whole ordeal, as well as just feeling like this next year won't completely suck!
And now, I am off to the plastic surgeons office to discuss radiation and my plans for the future- which unfortunately do not include him, since I am certain about DIEP now.  This will be my first of 4 doctor appointments this week.  I only have Tuesday off- good grief!

Getting ready for my date!~

Today is the big day.  I get to meet the 'booby lady'!  I will call her Jane :)  Jane has her oncology appointment today and I asked if I could meet her there so that I can see her boobs!  I am so excited!!! I basically get to make it to second base on our first (and probably only) date!  I feel like I should be practicing my lines- hey baby, rip off your shirt and let me see whatcha got under there!  Now lay down on the exam table and let me feel em....
Yes, it really seems quite weird to be meeting someone just so I can see her boobs.  I am very excited though!  I really feel very good about the DIEP flap procedure after talking to Jane on the phone, and I feel like seeing them will really make me feel that this is exactly the direction I want to take.  She says that she is very happy with them and that they are very much like her originals- just newer.
I thought about taking pictures, but I think that is probably crossing the line! haha!  I have seen plenty of pictures of DIEP boobs online anyhow- it's the seeing them in person, and feeling them, and seeing how they perform in different situations that I can't see from a photo online.  Yes- I want to see how they perform.  Mainly- just how they move- is it natural?  When she lays down do they lay down too, or do they just sit there, all creepy like, just like barbie? 
Wish me luck!

Don't come to my house on a full moon!

I never imagined going from being a person with a normal amount of hair to bald but even more terrible and disgusting is the though t of going from bald, hairless, or nearly hairless everywhere to becoming a wolf or perhaps a bigfoot.  Well my friends, sadly that is what is happening here.  Yesterday while looking in the mirror to see if I had any new hair growth I was horrified to find that I did indeed have hair growth.  Little black hairs in fact.  On my FACE!!!! No I don't mean a moustache, or thicker eyebrows.  I mean right in the middle of my forehead, as well as on my cheeks; in places men don't even get hair!  What the hell?????  I have since plucked about 15 of these evil suckers out.  Jim believes that on a full moon I will turn full wolf.  Great!  How in the world did this happen.  How could my hairs get so confused that they start grown in the wrong places?????

I am pretty sure this is my future.

Radiation prep

On January 17th, I had my CT scan for radiation.  This scan is used to measure everything so they can callibrate the machine correctly for radiation- basically so they can fry me in all the right places.  The woman that was working with me happened to have a 12 year old son, and they live in Joshua.  Small world!  They had to ma ke a form of my right breast/chest area.  They did this by laying some very warm pliable plastic over my chest.  It felt very much like paraffin wax.  They then put ice packs on top of the warm plastic to harden it, since it was now the shave of my chest.  All the while I had to keep my head to the side and hold my hands over my head while holding some handle bars.  After about 5 minutes of this, it felt like my arms were going to fall off, but I couldn't move them because it would mess up the plastic form.  After the form was all set  up, they sent me through the CT machine a few times.  After that, they took the form off of me and gave me 2 very tiny permanant tattoos: one between my boobs and one just under my right armpit.  Then I was free to get dressed.  They then came out and gave me my schedule- 11:10 every day starting the first of february, and continuing for 5.5 weeks.

Here is a picture of one of my tattoos!  Pretty tiny huh! 

the unscannable lump

I must admit, I was quite nervous going back to the hospital where I was originally diagnosed with cancer.   I knew the people there were very kind but gosh, they sure didn't give me good news!  I had braced myself for the worst though- I was ready this time!
I parked in the garage. The garage was pretty full so I had to drive around until someone left, so that I could take their spot.  The entire top level was blocked off because it had snowed the night before and was pretty icy on the uncovered portion of the garage.  I finally got a spot and went to the elevator.  I noticed it had a sign saying  that if you wanted to go to the tunnel, then go to the level below ground.  AWEMOME!  I didn't know there was a tunnel!  And considering it was slick and icey and cold, an indoor tunnel sounded like a great option!  It was a nice little walk, with photography all over the walls and music piped into the speakers.  I finally get up to the registration desk, check in, then go back for my ultrasound.  I was disappointed that it wasn't the same doctor doing the ultrasound that had done the original one.  The new doctor was very nice though.  She easily found my lump with her fingers, but could not pick it up on the ultrasound.  I ended up being there for a very long time while she poked and prodded- trying her best to find that lump on the ultrasound.  She never did find it.  She ended up telling me that it was most likely a lymph node that was slightly swollen from illness or whatever, but that it was just fulled with normal fatty tissue, therefore it was blending in with the rest of the fatty tissue in that area.  If there were a tumor or any abnormal growths then it would stand out on the machine.   Well, that's good news!

Unhappy birthday to me

11 years ago today, I was about 6 weeks pregnant with our second child.  I had my first OB appt with my very wonderful obstetrician that I had known for years.  She noticed on the chart that it was my birthday.  Normally they didn't do ultrasounds so early, especially since I was sure of my dates, but she snuck me in to give me a birthday surprise.  Surprise is right- that is the day I found out that the baby was not alive.  That was just the beginning of a downward spiral related to pregnancy, loss, and infertility- but it all started on my birthday.   Since then, I have kind of felt like my birthday was somewhat tainted.  You would think I would know better than to have a doctors appointment on my birthday! 
My appointment wasn't ALL bad.  The radiation doctor was very nice (and pretty cute too!), and he gave me some good news- only 5 1/2 weeks of radiation!  He did say that it will for sure cause some lung damage but hopefully it won't cause any problems (ugh!).  I will see him once a week during treatment.  I have to come back on Thursday to get a CT scan so they can make a mold of my boob so they can know exactly where to target the radiation beams.
Since I was there, I popped over to see Fred- Dr. Young's nurse.  I told her about the lump I found, so she went to find a doctor that could examine me.  One of the nurse practicioners came in and did the exam.  She found the lump and told me (while she was calmly but clearly freaking out a little) that it was probably just a swollen lymph node, but that we had to get it checked on ASAP.  I also have a strange rash that appeared in the last couple of days- it is on my foob, just on the bottom half under the scar.  It is not raised or itchy- it just looks like tons of tiny broken blood vessels, but it's not.  The nurse was somewhat concerned about that also.  Yeah! 
So, now I am waiting on a call from the oncologists office.  I will have to go into the hospital tomorrow (same place I had my original mammogram and biopsy) so that they can do more tests.

I am pretty sure I will make sure to NOT go to any doctors on my birthday ever again!

Happy Birthday to me

Well, so far- things aren't great.  Not terrible, but definately not great.  We went out last night to celebrate my birthday- we went to PF Changs, and the kids were actually pretty well behaved.  I totally didn't pay attention while ordering food and EVERYTHING we ordered was EXTRA spicy!  Holy crap!  I went through 4 lemonades in about 10 minutes.  Good food, but man- I really need to pay attention next time! 
On the drive home my hips were starting to ache- I knew I had done to much for the day.  When we got home I went to the bathroom and got stuck on the toilet!!! No- I didn't fall in and get stuck- I just could NOT stand up.  I yelled for help but nobody came.  I had to sit there for a good few minutes before I could muster up the strength to make myself stand up.   Then, I decided to take a bath- it was great until I tried to get out.  Yep- stuck again!  After yelling for a few minutes, Jim came to help me.  He tried to just give me an arm to pull up on but I was not able to use my legs at all.  He actually had to lean in and put his arms around my body and stand my all the way up!  It's really nice to feel like an invalid the night before your birthday!  After that I was fine- just shuffling around the house as usual in the evenings.  I am just glad Jim was there last night- if he would have been gone to work over night I really have no idea what I would have done.  
Today I get to meet my radiation oncologist.  At least I have come to terms with getting radiation.  I am really not too worried about it.  I have a couple of good friends; Debra and Robert,  that work in the radiation field, and they have talked to me many times and made me feel much better about this.    Robert actually works with the radiation oncologist that I am seeing today.  I love that I have friends in 'high' places!  While I am there, I need to talk to one of Dr. Robin's nurses because I have found a lump :(  It's on the foob side, but not where the expander is- it is sort of below my armpit- it's definately a lump and it is painful too.  ugh!  It may just be scar tissue from the surgeon digging out my lymph nodes but I need to make sure it's just that- I haven't noticed it, until this week.   I thought of waiting till my next Oncology appt, but that isn't for 2 1/2 more weeks.

First non chemo infusion!

Well, Wednesday I went in for my first Herceptin + Pertuzemab/placebo infusion.  I have been repetedly told that this will be nothing like chemo, and will be a piece of cake.  Herceptin can cause some flu-like aches and pains and that's about it. First of all- you can't say something will be flu-like and also say it's a piece of cake- the two ideas do NOT go together.  I should have realized this right from the start.     I have seen people in the chemo room getting just Herceptin.  They are in and out of their chair in 30 minutes.  No- I am not that lucky.  I am doing the drug trial for Pertuzemab so it is much longer- 30 minutes for Herceptin, 30 minutes waiting, 30 minutes Pertuzemab (or placebo), then 60 minutes waiting....2.5 hours!  I haven't been too inconvenienced by being on a drug trial until now.  Now it is very hard to sit and wait an additional 2 hours for what may be the placebo.    Oh well- at least I like the people there!
While I was at my appointment with Dr. Young, I was asking her opinion on Diep flaps- and how she thought they looked, and if the women were happy with their tummy boobs ;)  She gave me some good information, then told me that she has a patient that would probably be happy to meet with me to answer my questions and let me see her boobs!  How awesome is it, that my doctor is setting me up with a woman so I can 'feel her up'!!!  I am very excited about this.  I have spent hours on the internet looking at various boob procedures and the end results, but I cant feel them or see how they actually 'perform' in different situations.   Yes, I know as you are reading this, it sounds rediculous.  Unless you have had a boob removed, you have just never had to face all these crazy questions! 
I have since talked to this woman and we have made a 'date' at the oncologists office during her next appointment.  She is very happy with the surgery and the surgeon that did the procedure.  Her surgery was last April, so there has been plenty of time for her to heal, which is nice because I will see something closer to the 'end' result.  I am more sure now, that this is the right procedure for me. 
As for the herceptin- Oy!    I felt great the day of infusion!  It was nice not having to take steroids or any premeds.  I just felt normal!  Thursday was the first day I had some extra time to myself, so I decided to get some much needed errands done.  I had a trip to Toys R Us, which went fine.  Then I went to Costco- about 1/3 of the way through I was holding back tears.  I wanted to just lay down and cry because I was SOOO tired!  I still had more shopping to do!  Ack!  I decided to scrap the grocery store trip and just grab something at Costco for dinner.  I barely was able to finish that trip.  Friday I was still tired, and had a little more pain than on a normal day but nothing terrible.  By friday night though my legs were having a lot of problems.  Usually on the Saturday after chemo I kind of do this shuffle walk thing.  I can't walk normally- I am stiff and my legs hurt and just don't work the way they should- so I take teeny tiny steps (think Morticia Addams in her teeny tiny, tight at the bottom dresses- except way less sexy)  I was really thinking that was a chemo thing- nope, it was Herceptin!  bah!   I have also had heartburn- and I did not have that the week leading up to my infusion.  It also feels like I have fluid in my ears again- not nearly as bad as I would during chemo but definately something I don't feel when I am 'normal'.  Today is sunday, and my legs are starting to feel better but they are still weak and painful- I imagine it will be worse tonight- it's always worse at night. 
The good part- no more icing my fingers, no more tasts changes, no more steroids, no more nausea!  Which leaves me with pain, legs not working right, heartburn, clogged ears, and risidual eye watering, twitching, and muscle pain in my arms and legs.  They don't consider it chemo but I still have all those side effects AND have to sit in that damn chair for 2.5 hours every 3 weeks.  I will call it Chemo Lite!  I can not wait for September to come so it can be over and done with!