You know that picture you have in your head when you think 'cancer patient'? You know, the bald sickly person laying in bed- barely moving, not eating, just lying there....Well that was me after this last cycle. It was by far the worst one yet. The nausea was way worse and lasted a lot longer than before. I still never puked, but boy I sure did wish I would have! My stomach hurt so bad, and everything I ate or drank just made it worse- so I stopped eating and drinking for 3 days. I had a few tiny sips of water here and there but even that was really hard to do. Of course, by Sunday night I realized that I probably should have called my Dr and gone in for some fluids, but when you are in the middle of feeling like shit, you just don't think logically sometimes! Even Monday I didn't feel well but I was able to drink enough to get hydrated again. Now, the upside to this is that I lost 7 pounds! I wouldn't recommend that method though! It was really terrible- I laid on the couch all.day.long. for the entire weekend.
Finally, when I emerged from being nearly dead, I decided to catch a cold. Again. Ugh! So, I have no spent the last 5 days with a stuffy nose, a terrible cough, and no voice! Every once in awhile I can talk but not often.
While I was at my last chemo appointment, the doctor gave me an RX for Lyrica. She thought it might help with my muscle fatige issue because it might somehow be a neuropathy thing, and Lyrica can help with neuropathy. Every night that I took it, I would wake up in the night to use the bathroom, and I could barely walk- I was so doped up- it was similar to having about 6 drinks in me! Yikes! I weaved my way all over the room before I made it to the bathroom. I also kind of wonder if the Lyrica is part of what made me so very tired after chemo. All I know is that I had to stop using it and I refuse to try it again- just in case that is part of what made me feel so sick.
I had started to get excited about my final treatment coming up. It is a very exciting thing in the chemo room when someone finishes their last treatment. Well, yes- my last 'bad' chemo is coming up on the 19th, but then guess what? I still come back every 3 weeks until the end of August- so it's not like it is any big deal about December. It doesn't change my schedule. My ass still belongs to my oncologist. I still have no freedom. My treatments will be shorter, sure- instead of 6 hours it will be 2-3. Big deal- that's still a big whopping amount of time I have to be at that god forsaken place. I guess that kind of goes along with everythign I am feeling right now. I am definately in a kind of dark place. I had a fleeting thought of celebrating my last chemo (maybe the day before- while I still feel good) but why really? My last day isn't really until August. And I know it will get better after this next one but still- I am really feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of being bald. Tired of being ugly. Say what you want- I feel ugly. I feel like I look like an old man. It takes SO long to get ready now. So much planning ahead to decide what top goes with what scarf, bla bla bla. Then I have to put a lot of makeup on to make my dry scaly face look tolerable and to put enough eyeliner on to cover up the fact that I have patches of eyelashes missing. And I am just SO tired of not having any damn hair!
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