boob decisions

Since my last appointment with the plasic surgeon I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my fake boob (foob).   I hate my tissue expander.  I HATE it.  The last fill I had made it even worse.  I now have broken blood vessels across my skin because it is pulled so tight.  It is also now causing some nerve pain in my arm and all across my chest is just really uncomfortable.  I thought, when I first started all of this, that the idea of an implant would grow on me.  That after having the tissue expander in, I would become okay with the idea of having weird fake shit inside of me.  It hasn't happened yet.  I know that it will be very different from what I have now- but I want to be able to lay on my stomach without it feeling weird, and I don't really want to look like Barbie.  I am sure Jim would like Barbie- but I just don't feel the same way.  If I have an implant, then my other side will not only need a lift- it would probably also need a small implant just so that they look similar.  I hate the idea of that!
I decided to look at all my options again, and I keep coming back to the DIEP.  It is a procedure that uses tummy fat and tissue.  It is a huge operation, with a long painful recovery, and my plastic surgeon does not perform this procedure.  So- it really is a huge pain to change my mind.  It will change a lot of things. 
There are not very many doctors at all that perform this procedure because it is very complicated and time consuming.  At first, when I was looking for more information, I found a very good practice that performs the DIEP in San Antonio but that is a long drive!  I did finally find a few doctors in Dallas that do this, so while it isn't as close as Fort Worth- it is much closer than San Antonio. 
I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon yesterday.  I was supposed to get my last fill.  I was very nervous about going because I knew I needed to talk to him about wanting the DIEP, and I was afraid that he would say it wasn't a good idea for me to have this procedure, and that we would part on bad terms.  Thankfully he is a much better doctor than that.  He said that he knows doctors in Dallas that do only this kind of procedure, so they are very practiced- and he would be happy to refer me to them- he also looked at my (ample) stomach, and said I would be a very good candidate for the DIEP.  I was so happy that he was okay with me at least looking into that as an option.  He wants to see me again in a month to find out what the radiation doctor has decided- and then I guess we will go from there! 

Who needs an immune system anyway?

The weekend went REALLY well!  I didn't have any neausea other than the first day really, which is a huge indicator of how the weekend will go, I have found!  Jim's brother and his wife came out for the weekend- they were worried about me not feeling up to visitors but it worked out great!  Saturday was my bad day, as usual but it wasn't terrible.  This cycle was much more like the first 3- and I still seemed to have a decent amount of energy every once in awhile.  I was really amazed at how well it went. 
By the time Christmas came I was doing pretty good!  Of course by then nothing tasted good so all that candy in my stocking will have to wait around for a while before I can actually stand to eat it!
Wednesday I went in for my labwork.  I really figured it would be great because I was feeling so good.  Not so lucky!  The nurse actually asked me if I had even taken my Neulasta shot the day after chemo!  I had, of course!  Apparently I have no immune system.  It was by far the lowest that it has ever been.  Surprisingly she didn't tell me to stay at home or wear a mask or anything- just be careful, wash my hands a LOT, and take my temperature 2x a day- and call immediately if I have a fever. 
Well, that was on Wednesday and it is now Saturday.  I think I am starting to come down with another cold, but I have no fever and by now my counts should be starting to rise again, so I am probably out of the woods.  I am really tired of getting sick EVERY SINGLE CYCLE though....
Today we are taking Jim's mom to the airport so she can go home.  It was really nice having her here.   She has made so many cookies while she has been here-  I told her last night after she made a new batch that I was going to send her the bill when I start going back to Weight Watchers! hahaaha!

more appointments- see, it never ends!

The day after my chemo, I have an appointment with my thyroid dr.  I have not seen him since I was diagnosed.  I feel kind of weird going in there because I am pretty close to him and I know it will upset him to see me sick.  He always asks about my kids and tells me about his.  He is always very good to refer me to doctors that he would be comfortable sending himself or his wife to- he just always looks out for me.  So, I tell him about the breast cancer thing and that radiation is most likely coming up, he was very concerned about that.  Radiation can actually cause other types of cancers.  I knew this but being reminded of it made me kind of nervous.  One type is thyroid cancer- not really a big deal- if you have to get cancer- thyroid is the way to go!  I had a scare with that over a year ago I told him at this appointment that I sure did wish that I had just ended up with thyroid cancer instead because that would have been so much easier!  He encouraged me to see a radiation oncologist that he knows for a second opinion. I am not sure I will do it or not though-I think I will be okay with what they other radiation dr recommends, especially since it HAD started to spread when they did the mastectomy.    As for the thyroid part of my appointment- all the questions he normally asks me, he couldn't because chemo makes your body all messed up (like hot flashes, tired, etc)!  haha!  So, I made an appointment to see him again in 6 months.
Thursday evening, my friend Janice decided to bring by some gingerbread cupcakes- they had maple frosting.  WOW!!!!! They were so good.  And I was so glad that I got them on a day that I could actually eat cakey stuff :)
Friday was a busy day.  Cameron had his Christmas party at school.  I told him I would come because I haven't been to anything at the school all year long.  I knew I was pushing it though because friday is the day I start feeling 'off'.  I was able to help some, and get a few pictures.  His teacher was really glad to see me there- she knew about my 'situation' and she sends notes home with Cameron occasionally, wondering how I am doing- so it made her happy to see me doing well.  While I was there, I went to the lost and found to make sure we weren't missing anything.  The lost and found is scary and germy.  I try not to take any breaths, certain that I will catch some sort of infection.  I don't find anything that is ours- so I then slather up with a hefty dose of hand sanitizer that I brought with me just for this purpose! 
Then, I had to show up at the clinic to get my fluids.  Jim came with me, since it was only supposed to last an hour.  He was bored out of his mind- and we were only there an hour! I got a chuckle out of that.    The time went by quickly and we were able to leave.  No more appointments till after Christmas! yeah!

Final chemo (kinda)

We invited Jim's mom to come out and stay with us for my final chemo.  My chemo was scheduled for Jim's birthday and I would still not be feeling my best for Christmas so we figured some extra help would be nice.  Turns out that Jim was able to get most of those days off but that was nice to be able to spend it with his mom and to have her here for Christmas.  And the kids made out great on this deal because she loves to bake cookies!!!
In the morning, I did my usual stuff to get ready.  We had grabbed a bag of Sonic ice the night before so I didn't need to go there on my way to chemo like I usually do.  I just had to put it in some ziplock bags so that I could use it later to ice my hands during the Taxotere.  I am very happy that this will be the last time I will have to ice my hands.   So I leave the house with my huge overnight bag packed with things I never really use there.  I stop at McDonalds because I LOVE their oatmeal.  I get an oatmeal and a yogurt parfait- this will get me through until lunch. 
I wasn't quite as scared of this chemo as I thought I would be- especially considering how bad #5 was.  I went in on the 19th, and got my bloodwork, then downstairs to see Helaina- the NP.  I talked to her about how terrible #5 was and she was really worried about it, partially because if I got sick everyone was going to be out for Christmas break so I would have to go to the ER.  She decided that I needed to come in on friday- 2 days after chemo, to get a big bag of fluids.  Then she was worried I would not follow up, so she made an appointment for me to show up on friday, so that I couldn't back out.   After that, I went back upstairs to the chemo room and got hooked up.  No tv today- just a bunch of staring at each other.  A lot of people were sleeping.  I wish I could sleep but I never can in there, even with the benadryl they give me.  I think that the steroids that they also give me fight for attention too so I feel drowsy but can't really sleep and end up just feeling pretty drunk for about an hour.  There was a  family seated next to me wrapping stocking stuffers for Christmas.  They were relatively entertaining, and they gave me m&m's!  The infusion actually went pretty quickly and I got out of there before 4- which is really amazing!  Before I left, one of the nurses brought over a tshirt that was signed by the 4 nurses working that day (usually there are a bunch more but some were sick or gone on vacation) and a pin, because it was my last chemo!  I barely held it together until I got to the car- then I started to cry.  Of course, I had taken Jim's car that day and he does not keep tissues in his car- damn him!
Once I got home, Carole had made a birthday cake for Jim.  Food still tasted good, so it was nice to have some cake.  It was also pretty warm outside, so Jim grilled some steak for dinner.  It was great!

Almost done filling my Foob!

I had an appointment this week with my plastic surgeon.  He did another fill- 50cc's- same as always.  This time though, you can tell it is getting close to full, if it isn't already too full!  My skin is so tight that it's shiny, and I even ended up with a few broken blood vessels. And really- this tissue expander has always looked pretty freaky and hideous, but now- it is just plain disgusting looking.  It is so big and oddly placed that is just...there really are no words to say how terrible it is.  It fills into my armpit and it is SO high up and now perfectly round.  The doctor plans on doing one more fill but honestly I don't know if it's possible!  And it is so tight and uncomfortable now that I can't imagine it being bigger and how much worse that will feel. 
I did come up with something though that makes me feel somewhat hopeful for the spring.  Since I was originally planning on getting my final implant at that time and now I can't because of radiation I have really been bummed.  But I was thinking about the other side- the good  girl ;)   I will have to at the very least get a lift on that side to make it somewhat like the other.  I have no idea what I really want though.  I don't think I want an more work than that done, but what if I do.  I really don't want them any bigger but I am not sure what lifting it will do.  So- this is the plan that I am going to ask the plastic surgeon about next time:   Getting a lift on my left side in the spring right after radiation is done.  Then just leaving them both alone for the next 6 months.  This way- I maybe won't look QUITE as rediculous this summer, with one huge one up high, and one smaller saggier one way down low...There is no way I would wear a tank top or a swimsuit with the way things are right now.  Maybe not even later, but at least they would be on the same level and that would make me feel quite a bit better.  Then I can get used to what the lift looks like, and decide if I want more or not.  Then if I do, I can have a revision done at the end of the 6 months when I get my right side fixed.  
All it does is add 1 more surgery to my year- I don't care, I will already max out my insurance again anyhow, and shit- who cares about 1 more surgery, and one more time being put under.  I am a lab rat anyhow, this is my life, and what my life will probably always be like to some extent.  And I think this will really give me a better chance at deciding what I would like as far as my boobs go.  Now I just need the plastic surgeon to agree to it!

It finally happened

You know that picture you have in your head when you think 'cancer patient'?  You know, the bald sickly person laying in bed- barely moving, not eating, just lying there....Well that was me after this last cycle.  It was by far the worst one yet.  The nausea was way worse and lasted a lot longer than before.  I still never puked, but boy I sure did wish I would have!  My stomach hurt so bad, and everything I ate or drank just made it worse- so I stopped eating and drinking for 3 days.  I had a few tiny sips of water here and there but even that was really hard to do.  Of course, by Sunday night I realized that I probably should have called my Dr and gone in for some fluids, but when you are in the middle of feeling like shit, you just don't think logically sometimes!  Even Monday I didn't feel well but I was able to drink enough to get hydrated again.  Now, the upside to this is that I lost 7 pounds!   I wouldn't recommend that method though!  It was really terrible- I laid on the couch all.day.long. for the entire weekend. 
Finally, when I emerged from being nearly dead, I decided to catch a cold.  Again.  Ugh!  So, I have no spent the last 5 days with a stuffy nose, a terrible cough, and no voice!   Every once in awhile I can talk but not often.
While I was at my last chemo appointment, the doctor gave me an RX for Lyrica.  She thought it might help with my muscle fatige issue because it might somehow be a neuropathy thing, and Lyrica can help with neuropathy.  Every night that I took it, I would wake up in the night to use the bathroom, and I could barely walk- I was so doped up- it was similar to having about 6 drinks in me!  Yikes!  I weaved my way all over the room before I made it to the bathroom.  I also kind of wonder if the Lyrica is part of what made me so very tired after chemo.  All I know is that I had to stop using it and I refuse to try it again- just in case that is part of what made me feel so sick.
I had started to get excited about my final treatment coming up. It is a very exciting thing in the chemo room when someone finishes their last treatment.  Well, yes- my last 'bad' chemo is coming up on the 19th, but then guess what?  I still come back every 3 weeks until the end of August- so it's not like it is any big deal about December.  It doesn't change my schedule.  My ass still belongs to my oncologist.  I still have no freedom.  My treatments will be shorter, sure- instead of 6 hours it will be 2-3.  Big deal- that's still a big whopping amount of time I have to be at that god forsaken place.   I guess that kind of goes along with everythign I am feeling right now.  I am definately in a kind of dark place.  I had a fleeting thought of celebrating my last chemo (maybe the day before- while I still feel good) but why really?  My last day isn't really until August.  And I know it will get better after this next one but still- I am really feeling sorry for myself.  I am tired of being bald.  Tired of being ugly.  Say what you want- I feel ugly.  I feel like I look like an old man.  It takes SO long to get ready now.  So much planning ahead to decide what top goes with what scarf, bla bla bla.  Then I have to put a lot of makeup on to make my dry scaly face look tolerable and to put enough eyeliner on to cover up the fact that I have patches of eyelashes missing.  And I am just SO tired of not having any damn hair!