I filled out some paperwork a few weeks go to get into the survivorship program. It is at the Montcrief Cancer Institute. It is a brand spanking new, beautiful building just a couple of blocks from the Cancer Center that I go to for treatment. It is really wonderful- all services are available to everyone that has had cancer- regardless of where they were treated. The survivorship program is for people that have completed treatment. I am still doing herceptin, but it is not technically chemo, and I am done with raditation now as well. They have a lot of services available- yoga, counseling, nutrition. The 2 that I am most excited about are excercise and nutrition. Each person gets 12 free sessions with a personal trainer. Since I am having surgery in June, I would really like to start getting more fit now- I would love for my legs to look good again- that way I won't have a nice flat stomach but be flabby everywhere else! I am also looking forward to meeting with a nutritionist. It is so overwhelming, trying to figure out what to eat/what not to eat. I am definately trying to eat more vegetarian meals, but I have also read some studies that say that consuming dairy can really reduce my survival rate. Then there is the issue with sugar being bad for cancer too. Ahhhh! As you can see, it is very overwhelming!
I had an appointment yesterday at Montcrief. I thought I would be meeting with the trainer, but instead I had to meet with an oncology nurse and a social worker. The nurse just talked to me about the various things that the survivorship program offered, and she also invited me to be part of a study about exercise and diet. It is easy and really just consists of filling out some surveys for a year. This will make for a total of 3 clinical studies/trials that I am a part of currently. I feel like I may grow a tail soon because I am becoming a lab rat.
After talking to her, I had to meet with the social worker. She was very impressed with the way I am dealing with everything, and that I appear to be so positive. We talked a bit about my diagnosis, and I admitted that I am really not that concerned with THIS time. I think that I really do have cancer beat this time. It's NEXT time that I worry about. And really, I am quite convinced that there will be a next time. I was 37 when diagnosed. That means I have an awful lot of years ahead of me- so I am pretty sure it will happen agian. I am worried about catching it in time, worried about where it will show up, worried about whether next time will do me in. Really- those worries are all normal. One of the biggest side effects of cancer is worry. Worry is like an invisible tumor that eats at your brain, making you always wonder about the future and how this will all play out. The only other issue that I have is regarding intimacy. I haven't really talked about it with anyone, but I did discuss it a bit with Pam, the social worker. My problem is that I have to wear clothes when my husband and I are intimate. It is strange because I can see myself naked and I am okay with it. Jim can see me, and that is okay- but I guess I just don't want to look down and think 'cancer' when other things are going on. It isn't sexy or pretty. It is ugly and that part of me is terribly deformed. That is the one time that I just can't 'deal' So I wear clothes. I told Pam that I really wasn't that interested in working though it right now. I am having surgery in June and my entire body will change all over again. I am hoping I can be happy with it then. We agreed that if I still have the same issues after surgery that I will come in and talk to a psychologist about it. So there. Now you know all my secrets and fears. Well, the cancer related ones anyway.
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