I don't wanna go!

Day after tomorrow I 'get' to go do chemo again.  I have finally hit a wall- I am no longer feeling upbeat about this and I just don't want to go.  It doesn't help that starting tomorrow I have to take my mega dose of steroids again for 3 days- that shit makes me crazy and hot and I don't sleep well.  I have decided that along with all the other 100 drugs they have me on, they should add valium daily for about 5 days before chemo, that way that terrible anxiety and fear that lurks will be less scary.  I know I really haven't had a bad go of it.  I haven't puked and I don't lay in bed all day, but still- I hate chemo.  I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate the way it makes me smell as it leaches out of my system, I hate how sore it makes me, and I also really hate that all my side effects seem to be getting a little worse each time.  I am still twitching- mostly just on my face, and not nearly as terrible as I was 2 weeks ago, but it's still there.  Also my muscle weakness is getting worse by the day.  Most of my side effects get really bad, then start to get better before my next round- this muscle thing just gets worse.  My legs feel wobbly and heavy.  I can hardly bend down to pick something up that is on the floor, and if I do bend down it hurts like crazy and is so difficult to stand back up.  It started happening in my right arm also- it feels like I pulled a muscle, but I know that I didn't.  Now my left arm is starting to act up too.  Jim and I were talking about this and we are wondering if a wheelchair might actually be in my future.  Seriously.   I am honestly terrified that this might really happen.  I have been asking around in my circle of cancer people, about their experience with this and it seems that often it gets progressively worse until after chemo and in a matter of weeks after their last treatment it gets much better, and others have problems for as long as a year- with simple things like going up and down stairs, walking quickly, and running.   A YEAR!  I would really feel better if I could KNOW this would get better in January.  I would love to just stretch.  Such a simple pleasure that has been ripped from me.  Sure- I could stretch but I am in total agony afterward. 
On the upside- one of the common side effects of my chemo is neuropathy.  Many people I know have little to no feeling in their fingers and toes- luckily I do not have any issues with that- other than just a mild tingling and some clumbsiness for about a week after chemo.  Also- my hair is kind of growing back in.  A few of the hairs, anyway! LOL!  And they don't seem to be falling out either- I will have to see if this continues, or if the next round makes me shed again.  It 'sounds' nice, but really it looks TERRIBLE.  Being completely bald looks much better than this weird sparse stubble that  have going on.


Here is my lovely hairy head!

It has been reported that the breast cancer rate would be cut in half if women would eat a low-fat diet. Now, if a woman has already lost half her breasts, can she go back to square one and eat a high-fat diet?

I am feeling pretty good this week!  Jim had a few days off, so we all got to spend a little time with him finally, the housekeeper came so our house is clean again, and now the kids are off for Thanksgiving break.  Ethan asked my yesterday if I was going to have chemo this week.  He was really concerned that I might have to and then wouldn't want any thanksgiving food! LOL!  The reality is eh, most of it really won't taste good anyway- even if it is my 'good' week.  While I can't wait for this to be over and my taste to return to normal, I also really hope my aversion to bread/cake stuff sticks with me.  I could really do with less of that in my diet. 
Jim and I have talked about diet changes and I think we are both going to try to make some serious changes- I think we are going to try to have a mostly vegetarian diet.  I have done this before and it was a breeze, but that was before kids!  Now I have 3 picky eaters so I am not sure how to make that work exactly!  Of course they are like their mom in their way of thinking- they don't really agree with keeping animals in terrible conditions, and killing them, just for us to eat.  That being said- they aren't very keen on vegetables other than green beans and corn.   The other dietary change I would like to make is a low sugar diet- but without using artificial sweeteners, I honestly don't know how to do that.  Avoiding sugary foods isn't really an option!    I have some time to figure it all out- I am really not making myself avoid much of anything while doing chemo- I don't have the energy for it.  If it sounds good- I am eating it! 
I think we are planning on going to visit Jim's dad for Thanksgiving.   We will stay in Tulsa for a couple of days, then come back home.  It will be really nice to get away.  I don't think I will have any problems- the only side effects I am having is twitching, mild heartburn, and terrible, terrible muscle weakness.  None of it really keeps my from going or doing- except I can hardly bend down and I have to lie straight while in bed.  It is very weird and I do not understand it at all.  hot soaks in the tub, light stretching, short walks- none of it helps!  I guess I will feel better in January as far as that goes!
Oh- and I a get to go to the plastic surgeon for another fill tomorrow.  I am starting to have a decent size fake boob.   I don't need to use a prosthesis in my bra anymore- but the bottom half of my bra is basically empty.  I hope that part starts to even out but I kind of doubt that it will.  Soon my fake boob is going to be a lot bigger than my real boob.  That is going to be weird.  It's big enough and hard enough that I could start using it as a shelf if I run out of space elsewhere to place things.

This week was a real humdinger!

My chemo infusion went great and ended in almost record time!  In addition to that awesomeness, the tv was NOT set to watch Bonanza! haha!  I sat with a bunch of really talkative women and actually had a pretty good and entertaining time.  The first woman I talked to had lung cancer- she just finished radiation, and her lungs and throad got all torn up from it- she was in pretty rough shape.  I ate a breakfast sandwich and she almost cried because she wanted real food so bad.  She only stayed for about 2 hours- then my usual group came in- turns out that 2 of the women in my pod lived in Joshua- we probably all live about 5 minutes from each other!  Pretty weird!  After chemo I was feeling a little queasy- but not terrible.
Thursday, Cameron went to school, and the nurse called shortly thereafter because he was throwing up :(  I went and picked him up and sent him upstairs to watch tv-  I told him I couldn't clean up his mess so he had better puke in the toilet! haha!  Luckily he did!  Then Thursday night, Ethan started with the puking.  Jim was also not feeling well. I missed the bug when Sloane had it- now it was going through the rest of the family.
All day friday I felt pretty bad.  I actually don't think I caught the bug- I never got a fever, but I think each chemo is getting worse and worse.  All I can say is that friday and saturday were terrible!  And since Jim wasn't feeling well- that meant I got to take care of the family.  I got to make dinner for everyone, and do everything else. Ugh!  MAYBE next cycle someone will take care of ME, and cook for ME.  That would be nice!
Sunday night I woke up a few times in my sleep because I was having some weird arm pain in my left arm.  I was also really nauseous, and noticed a weird aching pain in the area of my heart.  I kept going back to sleep, but by morning I had gotten kind of concerned.  One of the chemo meds I am taking has a history of causing heart problems and heart attacks.  I decided I would go in to the dr if it was still going on once Sloane went to school.  And of course- it was!   Jim drove her to school, then came and picked me up- luckily we have a little ER  about 2 blocks from our house.  I found out that if you want people to spring to action- you tell them you are having chest pain.  Haha!  Seriously- I didn't have to sign any paperwork, give them my name, nothing- they took me straight back to a room and put me in a bed, brought in an EKG machine and got that all started.  Then they took my name and personal information.  Impressive!  Sadly, after that it went very slowly.  They needed bloodwork and they were out of the needles they use to access my port.  That meant they needed to stick my arm- My right arm is out of commission forever more so they get my left.  The woman does a terrible job in my arm, then sticks it in my hand- usually it isn't terribly painful but this woman was not skilled at needle sticks!  She ended up having to go get someone else to do it because although she got a vein in my hand, she couldn't pull any blood from it.  The other woman did a fabulous job, thank goodness.  They then decided that I needed a CT scan/echo something or other.  They had to inject me with iodine at a really fast pace and take a CT picture of my heart at this exact moment.  Sounds easy.... The woman has to test my iv to make sure it can handle the fluid coming in at a fast pace, so she tests it with saline.  They left my hand iv accessed (even though it wasn't suitable enough to draw blood from)  so that is the one she used.  When she pushed it into my vein, I SCREAMED!!!!  I do not mean a little- ouch, that doesn't feel good yelp- I mean screamed!  It was so incredibly painful.  She thought she had blown a vein but she didn't.  Who knows what was wrong.  She decided there was no way we were going to use my hand.  She called in someone else to stick me AGAIN.  They actually had to use an ultrasound to find a vein to stick!  OMG- I am seriously considering getting a needle that can access my port, and keep it in my purse at all times just in case of emergency because this was such a terrible experience!  
Finally they got the needle in, and gave me the injection- it all went fine!   I ended up being there for 4 hours which totally sucked!   During all of this, I was still experiencing the chest pain, but all the tests came back fine.  Even once I got home in the evening I was still having that pain- so although it totally ruined my whole morning, I still would have gone to get it checked out if I had to do it over again- it really was a bad/odd feeling when it would happen.  The doctor even said that it really sounded like heart pain that I was describing.  Often people have pain that they think is a heart attack and it is really heartburn, but that is definately not what I felt.  I guess it was just a weird fluke!  Thank goodness for that!
Today, I feel like I am almost normal.  It's about time!  The only side effect I am still having that is really bothering me is twitching.  All of my muscles twitch so much I feel like I am vibrating!  Sometimes, it is my arms, sometimes it is my face, and even my stomach- so weird!  The nurse last week told me to drink tonic water, because the quinine in it will stop the twitching.  I bought some and tasted it.  It was so completely horrible that I won't be having any more- I will just sit and twitch, thank you!

Here is a picture of the butchery done on my poor arm!

almost to #4!

Well, surprisingly my leg acheyness wasn't debilitating after halloween, but it was still there, and it still is.  Other than that, I feel relatively well.  Thank goodness because I have been very busy with the kids lately!  There was halloween, then getting the kids to karate after school.  Saturday was insane!  Cameron had karate early, then Ethan had a karate belt test that afternoon.  Immediately after the belt test, I had to run Ethan to the middle school ( far away in the middle of nowhere) because he had an opportunity to see/hear a professional symphony.  There was no time to go home, and he had to be dressed nicely, so I brought clothes with and made him change in the car on the way there- NOT something a 12 year old boy wants to do, but we had no choice.    We got there just in the nick of time to drop him off.  He ended up not getting home till midnight!  wow!  Thankfully Jim was off that night, so I made him go pick Ethan up while I went to bed- I figured I had already done my running around for the day!
I ended up being very happy that Jim was off Saturday night- Sloane came down with a stomach bug and threw up about 6 times in the night.  For the first time in my life as a mother- I never got up with my sick kid- haha!  Jim did it all!  Mind you- he didn't have to get out of bed- he is working nights, so on his day off, he just stays up all night long so really- cleaning up puke gave him something to do. LOL!  I was very thankful that it happened that night! 
Monday I had my labwork and pre-chemo doctor appt, as well as an appointment with my plastic surgeon.  Sloane was still sick so I was in quite a predicament.  She couldn't go to school, and I couldn't bring her with me, as kids aren't allowed in the chemo room (that is where I go to get my labwork since they have to access my port)  not to mention, bringing a sick kids to a place full of people with little or no immune system would probably be frowned upon!  Luckily I have wonderful neighbors!  My friend Leah, whom lives across the street didn't mind taking my pukey child into her house for the day.  Thankfully she didn't throw up, she just layed on the couch and watched a movie. 
I was hoping to get home as quickly as possible so I could take care of Sloane but you know how the best laid plans go.... As soon as I got to the lab, I knew I was in trouble.  There was a long wait just go get my labs drawn!  I finally got that done, and went downstairs to wait for my appointment.  After awhile I started getting nervous- I was needing to be at my plastic surgeons office in 20 minutes!  I talked to Fred (the best nurse ever) and told her I would go to my other appt, get my boob filled, and be right back.  I NEVER have to wait at my plastic surgeons......yea.  She was fine with me going, so I left- got to my other appointment and guess what, I waited and waited :(  I finally got my fill- and boy I knew when he got to 50cc's!  OUCH!  I really felt a lot of pressure this time, and actually it turned to pain rather quickly.  He told me that I may need to slow down my fills if I am starting to feel that- yet I don't have time.  I need to be finished with this process by the end of december, so that I will be done before I start radiation.  Hopefully it all goes well!   Anyway- I left there, and quickly returned to my oncologists.  I got into a room pretty quickly but then there was some sort of emergency upstairs so I was in there forever.  I really started getting kind of pissed.  I initially got there at 10 am, and here it was after 1pm and I am still there!   Well, the NP finally came in and told my my labs were fine, and the echo that I had done the week before was also fine.  She wasn't sure what my muscle fatigue/weakness was from.   I have also been having some twitching in my arms and in my face- I didn't really think there was a 'fix' for that, but she told me to drink one small bottle of tonic water a day- apparently it has quinine in it, which stops the twitching!  Jokingly, I asked- with gin?  She said: sure!  gin, vodka, I don't care what you put in it, just make sure you drink 1 a day!  I must try it because I am very curious to see if it helps!   I am also starting to get watery eyes.  Those are caused from the Taxotere- and they are called:  Taxotears! hahahahaha!  Yes, for real!  It isn't too bad yet, but I do need to make sure to have a tissue in my purse at all times, just in case I start 'crying'.
The very worst news of my doctors appointment: my weight.  I found out that I have gained about 12 pounds since my diagnosis.  crap!  I knew my pants were getting tight, but I didn't think I was up that much!  It really upsets me.  During my 'good weeks' I really need to make more of an effort to eat healthy/light foods rather than this free pass shit that I do when I don't feel good.  Almost makes me wish chemo WOULD make me puke!  Or at least make me not interested in food.  Why didn't I get THAT kind of chemo???
I finally got out of there close to 2pm.  That was a really long appointment! (well, 2 actually)
Then, in the evening, Ethan had his first band concert of the year.  As per my agreement with Ethan, I had to wear my wig.  I really don't like to wear my wig that much, and certainly not for 2+ hours!  That thing is itchy!  I was so worried about it, I took a pain pill right before I left so that I would be sort of  'happy' when I was there, and not mind my wig so much!  I also decided to try out a wig cap- I haven't worn one with my wig before because I was worried about it making me hotter, and since starting chemo I am always so hot and sweaty (chemopause!) Thankfully it worked.  The wig was much less itchy with the wig cap on and I didn't break into a sweat too badly.
And now I am ready to begin number 4 tomorrow!

Halloween fun!

I decided to take advantage of my bald self this year.  I haven't really dressed up for halloween in a long time, but as soon as I knew I was going to be bald all fall/winter- I knew i had to use it to my advantage for halloween!  Immediately, I thought of Aang, the Last Airbender.  Our family loves this series!  While my mom was here in October, I had her help me sew this costume.    Then on halloween I went out trick or treating with the kids.  It was the first time I had gone out bald in front of EVERYONE!  I had a lot of people shout - it's AANG!  and one girl came up to me and asked- are you a girl or a boy? ha!  I didn't answer- I just moved along.  When we got back home, I was about ready to colapse.  I hadn't done that much walking in a long time- I had to rest all day long so that I would have the energy for it all- I am glad I did, because otherwise I may have not made it!  Anyway- when we got back home, we pulled some chairs out in our driveway so we could pass out candy.  So many people came up and started taking pictures of me.  It was kind of weird, but it was cool that my costume was so awesome that people needed to document it!
Sadly- the kids didn't really get any great candy that was worthy of me stealing when they went to bed. What the hell is up with that?